Within every love, there is fear: The fear of separation from that which you love.

A child fears separation from her parents, a lover from his beloved, the body fears separation from the soul and the soul from its Source Above.

So what do you love? Look at your worries and you will know.

i wanted to write you

there's prob only one person who will see this - if you even see this
so i thought it would be the perfect place to write you
i dont want to tell you, that's too forward
and i rather you sort of just know it without be letting you
so i figure i'll write it and one day maybe you will read it
and then you will know and i wont know you know

i didnt forget to call you
or write you
even when my phone was broken which made it hard for me to be in touch
i could have figured it out anyway
it was a little hard to figure out the numbers and countries
but i could have
and i didnt not think about you
i chose not to reach you
perhaps a poor choice but it came from good intentions

i wanted to talk to you more than anything
i had so much to say that i thought you would understand
but then i thought that all the things i had to say
you didnt want to hear
that they would be hurtful to you
but i couldnt not say them, i needed to say them
so i said nothing at all

your telling me how you felt made me think twice
i wanted you to know what i had intended
but it didnt seem fair
that would have come across too defensive
too much like an excuse
and it would not have left room for me to feel your hurt
or to apologize
so i didnt say much
i mumbled some stupid excuses just for cover
i think i said sorry - i meant to

i was hurt that you assumed i was thoughtless
and had forgotten about you
but i understood why you thought so
it made me wish you understood
but made me want to reach you less

then you called again
this time you didnt sound hurt
you sounded happy
maybe because there wasnt much time to talk
but it made me think that maybe you werent so hurt
maybe you understood a little bit
so here's the rest to help you understand a little more

am i really so busy just seeking an existance?

i just read a piece, an excerpt from hayom yom it asserted that we exist by following the directives of a sage

an interesting perspective for someone who runs around (chicken minus the head style)
from program to program, peulah to peulah, trying to follow those directives
and dont get me wrong - its in no way so altruistic and l'shma
it's just, well ...
actually up until now i couldnt quite figure out why i do it,
at times i'll find myself in a moment of inspiration and yes,
its all about doing what the Rebbe wants
but the rest of the time-
am i just maintaining that which i've already started?
is it that i'm in too deep to pull out?
do i feel too guilty to say no?
do i need something to fill my time lest i waste it or worse be bored?
or is it what hayom yom says?
am i filling my moments, hours, days and weeks
desperate to prove my existance
it sounds so menial
is that all i do
not that there are no good side effects or outcomes
but is that really my subconscious drive?

i'm going to stop and consider a bit before i continue - i'm really not sure
scary thought

just a phone call

it's amazing what the mind can come up with
quite creative but bordering neurotic

you see i'd tried to call her a bunch of times
well at first not so much, i was too shy
but then i tried ...
i summoned all my courage and i dialed the number
the phone rang
it had a strange echo over the line
it rang again
this time i thought i heard something faint coming through the wires
it sounded a bit like "you're bothering her"
that was all i needed,
i was convinced and i hung up

a couple weeks later i tried again
in agony i listend to the phone ring
once, twice, three times
-someone answered-
click!
i knew it
i knew i was bothering her,
it was a bad time and she had to hang up the phone

from then on every time i called the rings meant something new
she had just gotten in the door
it was supper time -
sometimes at 4 sometimes, 5 or 6 even 7:30
whenever the phone rang
or she was putting the kids to bed
or it was too late
or too early
it was never right

finally i stopped calling
but that didnt make it all better either
then when i needed to call,
well i couldnt because i hadnt called in so long
and because i had let her down by not calling when i said i would
and maybe she didnt want to hear from me because i was so irresponsible about this commitment we had made together

...but i really needed her...
it's been a year - well almost, chof cheshvan will be a year
a year since my grand 2nd chance (an amazing moment i'll have to write about)
i had to work this out
i emailed her - yes a cop out but i was nervous
two weeks and no answer
-maybe she didnt check it...
-of course she checked it
-maybe she had a baby and is out of commission for a bit
-she didnt have a baby
-and if she did then you better not bother her

i shoved it all aside
i called
my stomach turned twice each ring
no answer
well i definitely wasnt going to leave a message
i called the next day
does she have caller ID?
she'll know i'm bothering her
i called 2 days later
i'm now a stalker for sure
keep at it - you're doing the write thing
no answer
maybe i should look for someone new
but i couldnt come up with anyone
i called again
no answer
friday I wrote to Rebbe.
I needed help
and if nothing else, now i was commited
there was no turning back now
i called last night
no answer

tonight - SHE CALLED ME BACK!

a new post eh?

well there's the maamar that was sooo "The Project"
and then there was the exciting news that she called me back! No didnt just answer the phone but called me back!
and then there was more on the SAGA - yes the never ending SAGA
and a bunch more things i definitely dont remember
so i'm going to have to think about this one a bit
...be back soon.......

two live fish

its been a few days since my "night before new-school trauma"

my classroom got set up - B"H
it looks really nice - B"H
the next day was a great one with the kids-B"H
dropoff worked
outside worked
pickup worked
everyone said it looks like a real classroom
B"H B"H B"H B"H
tonight i had to pack up my classroom again because they are using it for Rosh Hashana davening
i took down all my signs and packed up all my toys and schlepped it all into the other classroom
they said they'd put up my curtains though - B"H!
and i'll go back to school after a 5 day break to a room filled with Rosh Hashana brachos B"H
oh and there's two live fish in the bowl
B"H!

a meeting with DJ

my long awaited meeting happened today and despite my apprehension it was actually quite successful. I gave her the low-down on where i'm at in the classroom and where i'd like to be and asked for guidance on getting there. we went over different methods and ideas and i left feeling quite confident. let's see how long the feeling lasts once i'm back in the classroom...

now for a grand brain dump of what we spoke of:

there are two schools of thought - 1. formal teacher centered learning 2. student centered learning
i'd like to be in the 2nd category but am straddling between the two

the 2nd is hard in terms of accountability and parent/other teachers' standard expectations but when followed through the successes for the students are far greater.

during these first 5 years when 90% of the brain develops we need to foster as much brain strength and creativity while it still has a major effect on the child

KEY POINT: children learn best when emotion is involved e.g. a child touches the stove when its hot and learns very quickly not to touch it again because a negative emotion was associated with it - the same works in positive terms

when a child guides learning and discovers things - the emotional level is much higher because the learning/discovery comes with excitement

fostering this excitement and child centered learning includes going with what the child is doing/saying/feeling and guiding it vs. stopping it when it is misplaced.

working on behavior modification with stories is far more effective than telling a child what to do

and a few more examples and stories and laughs - it was a great meeting....i'll have to add more to the recap and a followup as i implement the techniques.

a bruised ego and a dead fish

uch is was one of those days - i had it all planned out and it was supposed to work out .......shockingly it didnt.

when i wanted to sleep longer i made myself get up
then as i tried to change the water my fish jumped out of his bowl
i made sure to daven before i left the house
we saved the fish and got him back in his bowl
i went out on my errands and managed my time so i'd finish quickly
i met a women who i hadnt seen for a while and we talked for 45 minutes
i finally had a chance to go home and finish getting ready
they called and said they were ready to go and i should meet them now
i arrived at cheder and they just hung around doing nothing
i got to work and got things done
i cleaned my classroom and organized it
then their kids played and messed it all up
i had to run errands and be back by 6 so i said i had to go
they said sure lets all go and just make a few stops on the way
we got back and there was still lots to get done
they all went home and told me to find someone to finish the building work
i found two people then a third to get theirs and my work done
they came and found some help to get their work done
i cleaned up the kids mess and pulled things back together
they found more supplies and dumped them on my table
i sat down to make my posters and cut them out alone
they came and used my expensive paper and left me the scraps to clean
i finally had someone lending a hand cuz my crew doesnt help
she came and said hey arent you supposed to be helping me
i needed an opinion - just where to keep my fish
she said i cant stress about your fish right now
i gave up and trying and went home
i found the fish was dead
....it made sense though, it was the right kind of ending for a wrong kind of day