wasted moments reaccounted for

last time i wrote i was having post-pesach-stress-syndrome - and if you think there's no such thing well i'll tell you first hand that there sure is. well B"H life got busy and i guess i pushed the feelings aside but i was still quite unsure of where things were going and where they should be going and i still was sure that there had been more to accomplish on Pesach but that i'd lost the chance.
then last night happened - and B"H that it did - well for a number of reasons a. that its much better than the alternative but b. because things started to work out - options opened up, planning happened - i finally felt like things were moving and i, with them. and then as the cherry on top - a wonderful peak to an upward shift, i received the following letter:

"Hey Chanie,
I really meant to call you and Rochel right after I got back to NYC, but then time just flew. I did get your number from Frumah but I totally forgot to call and then I just saw that you all are friends on Facebook. No pressure to friend me or anything (!!) but I actually wanted to know if you would be interested in having a chavrusa. Now I know you are plenty busy with doing a million and five things and I also find myself busy a lot but I really learnt sooooo much from you and Rochel at the Moshiach Seder. it really was the highlight of my pesach and that I what I have been telling everyone. My dvar torah at the shabbos dinner I had in my apartment this past shabbos was from the seudah! Anyway let me know but either way I do want to thank you and Rochel so much for hosting a wonderful event.
Take care and shavuah tov!

so maybe, just maybe those precious moments werent wasted afterall.

Noch a Pesach Tzugekumen

its 2:52 am motzei Pesach- post kitchen change over and pizza. i sit here struggling with a strong sense of ambivalence. as if Pesach left without saying goodbye. as if no matter how hard i tried to hold on - it slipped away. i feel this way every year but each time it hits me hard. we sit around the table, learning, singing, connecting to each other - really farbrenging. the atmosphere is beyond this world - i can really believe that it is Moshiach's Seuda. each time as the table gets quiet or the conversation starts to turn - a thought comes to me, a piece of chassidus, something to share. and i'm giving the strength and all the right words to speak it. we sing and there is something special there - everyone can feel it. we remind each other of the tremendous power these last moments of Pesach hold and how they give us the strength to leave our maytzarim and experience cherus. we speak of hiskashrus, of hachlatas, of gilui moshiach. we start seder niggunim - sharing a vort, a story, something about each Rebbe. we reach the Frierdiker Rebbe - America is Nit Andersht - we sing the Benoni niggun. geula is palpable. we're almost there. just one more push, one song, one word. and then a car honks. once, twice, there is a knock at the door. i want to say go away - we're not finished - this is so special, don't ruin it! i want to lock the door and keep everyone inside. i want us to stay on this level, in this moment - forever. we dont even have time to tell a story of the Rebbe. we sing Tzama Lecha Nafshi - and amazingly - we really sing it. despite the cars and families waiting, the dishes calling, the details pulling at us - we live out the moment. and then its silent. there are just three of us left - staring at a table full of dishes, half eaten matza, empty cups of wine. i wont bentch - i wont end it. this is my island in time - the culmination of weeks of work - inside and out. these are the priceless experiences of our personal exodus. one last guest must be taken home. with a forced smile i assure her it is no problem and rummage for my keys. but i dont want to get in the car - to leave my Pesach table. when i get back its time to clean, to put things back to how they were. but it feels fake and so unholy. the packed dishes weigh heavy on my heart. i am not ready for the to-do list, the programs, the work - but their time has come. so i reach deep inside - past ambivalence and sadness, past inspiration and warmth. until i reach mobility - the drive that will propel me forward. the boost that encourages me - you've accomplished another Pesach- it will always be yours.
now what will you do with it?

if you fall i'll catch you

my friend,

i saw you through your open window. you left it open just a crack, enough to see you hurting, not enough to hold you tight. i watched you from a distance - one that i had created but one i couldnt take away. but i stood there watching, taking it all in. i picked up on every comment, each waver, every vacillation, each change. you said things didnt matter but in your heart you know they did. i watched you accept so readily and now give up even faster. i saw you leave so much behind - reaching for something more comfortable, more familiar. but that which you have left behind is what is most familiar to you. there are so many things i wish to tell you, to explain, to go back and change. its too late now- this i know. but i must share with you somethings you dont. know that every time i think of you i'm overcome with sweet, sweet memories. know that when i hear your name i smile. know that i am so proud of you for all the smart things you say, the good grades you get, the arguments you start. know that i remember all those words you spoke in the wee hours of the morning. know that every time i run i think of how you're faster. know that i pray for you - hoping, begging that you find yourself and happiness. but most of all know how much it hurts me to see you hurting, how much i feel at fault, how much i'd give to change things. know that next time you fall, i hope i'm there to catch you.

love always,
your friend

for your eyes only

i found something i shouldnt have.
it wasnt on purpose - it just sort of happened.
and really i had every right to - it was fully public
but i knew that i shouldnt have - it was so very private
i felt almost naughty stealing glances at the lines
but i couldnt help myself.
i read it and reread it.
i doubled back to see what had come before it
and checked to see what followed
i was riveted
so much so i left my ironing
it was the smell of burning silk that tore me away
but the echo of scorching words brought me back
and i was softened by their warmth
and saddened by their message

for the time being i'm not sure what to do with all this
i shall probably go back and read it once more
and yet again i shall feel touched and confused and sad and sorry
yes most of all i am so very sorry.

.com

today was super and lovely and splendid! as the birds chirped and the wind blew a warm spring breeze - we found hosting! we exist, we exist - tell the world! after tailing behind competitors and watching our grand ideas be developed by others - we're ready to show the world our beautiful posh faces! ooo ooo i can't wait to wake up in the morning and type in those wonderful words www.com! and there we shall be! really a business venture should be frightening or at the very least unnerving but we are way too far in for that - if we stop and think about it - we'll fall apart - now its move forward or die .... i think this was one giant leap forward - heck if i were armstrong i'd say something like, "one small step for posh - one giant step for womankind" but i'm not - so i wont. it sounds cheesy anyway.

well this feeling is bound to pass and i'll go back to having conversations with rochel like:

but while the moment lasts - i shall revel in it.

...another posh beginning...

gold digger

there's an unwritten rule to digging for treasure - if you're looking for treasure, you'll never find it but when you least expect it you'll strike gold.

many days I searched for gold. I found dirt. days I ached only to be soil faced but empty handed.

today I searched for dirt. I found gold. buried deep - but glistening bright. a precious piece of gold and ruby and diamond - a relic of the past. a treasure found.

Tohu II

on that Tohu thought, I wonder - is the story of the creation not just Pesach Cleaning big scale?
Step 1: Oros of Tohu were too much for this world and there is sheviras hakelim
Step 2: Oros of Tohu scattered and hidden and Oros of Tikkun invested into the world so that it could last and function
Step 3: Our job - to rectify the world by placing the Oros of Tohu in the kelim of Tikkun.

Or in other words:
Step 1: There is way too much stuff for one person/home to handle in fact there's so much it doesnt even fit into the storage containers we have but its far too precious to get rid of
Step 2: Down to the basement it goes ...hidden & scattered...and meanwhile we live our lives with fewer precious resources in a more functional manner
Step 3: Our (Pesach) job - go out to the container store and purchase those kelim in order to elevate our homes by unearthing all that wonderful, exciting stuff and organizing it in an orderly fashion.

G-d we're so on the same page!

Reclaiming my life from the forces of Tohu

ahhh .. its that time of year when the comforting smell of 409 wafts through the air and my sleeves are permanently pushed up to my elbows, leaving my arms poised and ready to scour anything that doesnt move away fast enough - the time when my all too short bouts of sleep are filled with dreaming of a little island that's already clean for Pesach where I can live out my days in peace.

It is in this tumultous time that we are given the gift of our freedom. Freedom not only from actual slavery in Egypt both internal and external, but freedom from those piles of papers we will take care of one day, freedom from hoarding anything that might possibly be sentimental and freedom from unmatched socks waiting in piles to be paired - what a gift- to reclaim your life, reorganize, and make that yearly hachlata to be better, neater and more organized this year.

It's a chance to refocus on the world's general purpose, in my own life- to take the forces and energy- that boundless mass of strength, ideas and enthusiam - of Tohu and channel them into an order of Tikkun, practically fit them into life. Slowly, box by box, room by room, and day by day - I am reclaiming by life and rejoicing in a fresh start...

mirrors of copper

I went to see one of my favorite people today. It had been a while since we had spent time together. She hasnt been well and is exhausted easily. But today I went to spend the morning with her. When I got to the house I peeked into her room. She was busy with something. I heard her ask for her purse and I watched. She took out a lipstick, then blush. She propped her mirror up on her knees just so and carefully applied her makeup - slowly, shakily. Then she reached for a comb and styled her hair. Then she was finished - I walked in.

As we spoke I couldnt help but notice her bedside table. There was a glass of water, some pills, tissues, and her mirror. And I recognized her mirror.

It was a mirror of copper. And one day it will form the copper laver of our Holy Temple.

talking to no one

if a tree falls in a forest and no one hears - does it make a sound?


if you talk and no one listens - did you say anything?

The Tefillin Knot

We ask G-d to know Him & He turns His back
And there in lies everything:

two leather straps
intertwined, one another
each represent a ray
revelation in its essence
chessed & gevurah
right & left
and when tied
part is revealed,
part concealed
but together
-a perfect unity

Fasting for Esther

Zeidy: This one's for you.

Man doesnt choose when their time is up - if they did - we'd never die. Instead they are taken suddenly with little chance to protest. But if you were to choose the day out of all the days of the year - Zeidy I think you chose yours.
I remember it was Adar - the month of joy. We came to New York to see you - they didnt let me in because I was too small but everyone said it was better that way. They all forced smiles and said you'd be fine - but I knew better. I heard them say that your lungs were failing that instead of air they filled with water- so I thought, " just dont drink water." But your not drinking water made your kidneys stop working - so I thought, "just drink orange juice." Rochel sat in the waiting room with me - we felt so old, so mature - why couldnt we come see you - I imagined I'd make you laugh, or smile or just hold your hand. But the nurses said no. It was hard to sit there being sad - there were other kids around and they were all talking and playing - I knew I shouldnt be playing so I just watched. When we left I said goodbye. I don't know if you heard me through the elevator doors and down the hall.

We drove back home and some days passed - you waited. We thought about you all the time and davened and hoped - and you waited.
And then your day came - it was Taanis Esther. I know you didnt want us to be sad so you picked a day that had its own somberness. You picked a day that is followed by joy. Well it was a different Purim that year - it was bitter cold - I know you wanted it that way so that your levaya would be quick. Some people tried to make jokes - to cheer us up - their jokes were hollow - even I didnt laugh. Afterwards we went back to the house - the one that was full of memories and stories and you. We heard the megillah and had a seuda - but it was different and strange - were we supposed to be happy? You wanted us to be.

Each year Taanis Esther is different for our family. Its not just a fast. Its a day full of memories and heartache - I know you dont like that part.

Well this year is different - it's special. This year on your yartzeit we dont fast. This year is Shabbos and so we celebrate. I think this year is your year.

reunited

gasp - pennie is together, sitting side by side at the computer - ok it helps that peshie's computer is broken and she had to use chanie as her local internet cafe - p.s. that's a whole world that screams Israel that this country is missing...carrying on though - it's official....

pennie has decided on their purim costume! so of course we considered the couples bit - but seeing as we wont be together the whole purim - it'll be only half the fun so instead we decided to work the play on words theme
soooo... drumroll please....

Peshie is being "G-d's Gift to Man"

Chanie is "Expressing Herself in Words"

cmon let your imaginations run wild - see if you can figure out what that's gunna look like
and stay tuned for pictures!

Have a wonderful, joyful, shotful or full shot PURIM!

love,
Pennie

brain dump

first off, dearest commenter - I am Chanie and I do all the posting - peshie ...well we wont talk about it ....

anyway - so its been a while and high time to brain dump onto this computer screen so here goes ....

there's a world out there that seeks to change
deep down it hurts -its surface strange
and yet we amble unaware
we act what comes - and it despairs
and then sometimes it dawns on us
we stop & think -perhaps discuss
how we could share a bit of light
yet thoughts move on - prevails the night
so drop the details - find the goal
hold tight to the guiding scroll
feel it , breath it, make it life
lest evil seep in - a sickness rife
our time is short and chances go
but action roots and deep it grow
what seems too late will get but later
dont be fooled by inner faitour
act now - revolutionize
bring redemption- eternalize

The Manicure

This is hillarious - you've gotta check it out!
A trip to the nail salon

An Ode to Tech Support

So while a part of me would love to add to the previous post and continue on the road of reminiscence alas it is time to move on. Next on the agenda : Tech Support a.k.a Hello from India! I doubt there is more than a handful of us left in the states who haven't made it to Pakistan and back all in one phone call - its those times when something isn't working right - like after you've dropped your cell phone in the toilet or when you've tried to fix your computer by taking it apart and cant figure out how to put it back together and you finally muster up enough time...and yes it will probably take hours... to call the 800 number on the box and ask for ....sigh...tech support.
ring..ring...ring...recording...press 1....press 2...press 457...and finally you hear it, softly at first but then there it is, that human voice, in that slightly nasal, "clean- up in aisle 7" kind of voice that offers you their undivided attention and help at 2 am in the morning. It is then that you proceed to explain your problem that you will likely still have after the 2 hours when you hang up the phone ...but in the meantime if you are feeling upset, aggravated and most definitely frustrated, please, please don't take it out on tech support - look how hard he is working!


Seem strange that he got the job when oh so many Americans need jobs? He is completely qualified, in fact it was after a serious interview process that Mujibar was selected...it went something like this:

H.R: Mujibar before you can get this job working as an American with an American phone number you must pass one final test.

Mujibar: I am ready.

H.R.: Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green.

Mujibar: Mister manager, I am ready to pass the test.

H.R.: Go ahead.

Mujibar: The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, thanks for calling Tech Support!

Peace Out!

There's a Special Place in My Heart....

For many people High School is an awkward stage. It's that time that you are trying so hard to seem like you arent trying, when you are too self concious to admit you know you are a dork...and then there are those specifics that relate to the high school you went to. Some people pride themselves on ties or pleated skirts they had to wear, some people swear by their sports teams ...and some of us...it was all about the hills...ups and downs, when you were on everyone's good side and when you were mudd, a blur of papers and cramming for tests, rita's and phone calls. Its that time when you can't make it through class cuz you've got the best story to share or that some little code word (salt? pepper?) seems about as life and death important as it gets. Oh and of course there are those special places you like to go to in your free time - the shopping, with the transportation crises and the parks - it is in those short 4 years that every thing in the real world seems to be suspended in time and all that happens is the world to you - and it's just completely unimaginable that there is life or happiness after high school - and what do you mean some things wont matter any more.

And why, you ask, have I gone back in time to those special years?
....well let's just blame it on Calvin:

Photo Contest

So we've decided that its time we add some more pics to the blog - kind of liven things up. So we've started a photo contest .. whoever blogs the k0olest photos wins....ummm...ya they just win....

So drop us a comment and let us know if you have any k0ol photos you want blogged..

meanwhile here's a start...


Just to explain a bit - these are photos that a guy I know took- he's a makeup artist/photographer - he did all the painting and photography ...he's crazy talented so I thought I'd share...enjoy!

Yud Shevat Message

So on a religious note for moment: The Rebbe encouraged, in honor of Yud Shevat that everyone who could should share the idea that the Frierdiker Rebbe was completely dedicated to reaching out to all Yidden and also to explain the idea of Chitas which the Frierdiker Rebbe instituted. The Rebbe also said that this could be done from Yud Shevat up until the next Shabbos so as it is Thursday night I thought I better get it in before it is too late: For those who dont know or those who do, Chitas is the daily study program that consists of the portion of Chumash from that weeks parsha connected to the day of the week, the portion of Tehillim for the day of the month and the portion of Tanya connected to the day of the year. So for those who havent had a chance yet today - knock yourselves out - go learn Chitas! Oh and if you are a facebooker - join the Chitas group ...its tagline: If you waste as much time on facebook as I do you have no excuse not to do Chitas. Have a Great Shabbos!

college

hey everyone!! by everyone i mean myself and chanie ofcourse b/c who else checks this blog,and if ur checkin it then leave a message!! well thanks to G-d's kindness i be gettin myself a reaaaaaaaaal good edgimikation at BCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCC, i think i put one too many c's either way, i'm officially the only white girl in some of my classes. one teacher was going around saying how e/o is from all over and then he turns to me and says "so where r u from" i gave him one of my what the *&% are you talken about looks and then said "baltimore" e/o burst out lauphin,so i guess it was ok. and then in another class they were talken abt being a member of the NAACP and i said "ya my membership is in the works" and again e/o lauphed, and then one girl said that at Towson (anothe college) they were the KKK hoods. Now its a crime for wearing a white hoodie too! (the Towson hoodie is white). the one thing i'm learnin in college is this is very important now say it with me GET -get YOUR-your DEGREE-degree AND-and GET-get OUT-out! b/c most of the stuff u'll learn in college u wont' need :) and that is my lesson for life for all you Little People out there, no that was not a joke about chanies height;) (u know i luv u girl)