am i really so busy just seeking an existance?

i just read a piece, an excerpt from hayom yom it asserted that we exist by following the directives of a sage

an interesting perspective for someone who runs around (chicken minus the head style)
from program to program, peulah to peulah, trying to follow those directives
and dont get me wrong - its in no way so altruistic and l'shma
it's just, well ...
actually up until now i couldnt quite figure out why i do it,
at times i'll find myself in a moment of inspiration and yes,
its all about doing what the Rebbe wants
but the rest of the time-
am i just maintaining that which i've already started?
is it that i'm in too deep to pull out?
do i feel too guilty to say no?
do i need something to fill my time lest i waste it or worse be bored?
or is it what hayom yom says?
am i filling my moments, hours, days and weeks
desperate to prove my existance
it sounds so menial
is that all i do
not that there are no good side effects or outcomes
but is that really my subconscious drive?

i'm going to stop and consider a bit before i continue - i'm really not sure
scary thought

just a phone call

it's amazing what the mind can come up with
quite creative but bordering neurotic

you see i'd tried to call her a bunch of times
well at first not so much, i was too shy
but then i tried ...
i summoned all my courage and i dialed the number
the phone rang
it had a strange echo over the line
it rang again
this time i thought i heard something faint coming through the wires
it sounded a bit like "you're bothering her"
that was all i needed,
i was convinced and i hung up

a couple weeks later i tried again
in agony i listend to the phone ring
once, twice, three times
-someone answered-
click!
i knew it
i knew i was bothering her,
it was a bad time and she had to hang up the phone

from then on every time i called the rings meant something new
she had just gotten in the door
it was supper time -
sometimes at 4 sometimes, 5 or 6 even 7:30
whenever the phone rang
or she was putting the kids to bed
or it was too late
or too early
it was never right

finally i stopped calling
but that didnt make it all better either
then when i needed to call,
well i couldnt because i hadnt called in so long
and because i had let her down by not calling when i said i would
and maybe she didnt want to hear from me because i was so irresponsible about this commitment we had made together

...but i really needed her...
it's been a year - well almost, chof cheshvan will be a year
a year since my grand 2nd chance (an amazing moment i'll have to write about)
i had to work this out
i emailed her - yes a cop out but i was nervous
two weeks and no answer
-maybe she didnt check it...
-of course she checked it
-maybe she had a baby and is out of commission for a bit
-she didnt have a baby
-and if she did then you better not bother her

i shoved it all aside
i called
my stomach turned twice each ring
no answer
well i definitely wasnt going to leave a message
i called the next day
does she have caller ID?
she'll know i'm bothering her
i called 2 days later
i'm now a stalker for sure
keep at it - you're doing the write thing
no answer
maybe i should look for someone new
but i couldnt come up with anyone
i called again
no answer
friday I wrote to Rebbe.
I needed help
and if nothing else, now i was commited
there was no turning back now
i called last night
no answer

tonight - SHE CALLED ME BACK!

a new post eh?

well there's the maamar that was sooo "The Project"
and then there was the exciting news that she called me back! No didnt just answer the phone but called me back!
and then there was more on the SAGA - yes the never ending SAGA
and a bunch more things i definitely dont remember
so i'm going to have to think about this one a bit
...be back soon.......