are we losing our sense of Rebbe?

The Frierdiker Rebbe bemoaned the fall of Czarist Russia, telling us that we had lost our concept of a king thereby losing our chance to truly experience the moshal that so perfectly describes our relationship to The King and our place in Avodas Hashem. Those who experienced life under the Czar may have held onto the concept but surely it faded with time. Those who never knew the Czar were further removed and surely they sooner filled the void of this loss. It amazes me that such a horrible man - a goy through and through could have affected our avoda so strongly. L'havdil elef alfei havdalos - the Rebbe, perhaps in a different manner, guided our avoda. But as time passes, can we lose our sense of Rebbe? Its a thought that has plagued me off and on for a while. When I write a p"n I feel as if I'm cheating - that I get away with just washing my hands and throwing in some extra Chassidus. Even going to the Ohel - I'm always underprepared and definately underwhelmed. Ok there were times that a 7 hour bus ride filled with learning and Rabbi Deren's giving over the Hishtatchus maamer put me in the right mindset - but more often its - well we're going to NY anyway or its been a while, better check in. It's not that I dont know that going to the Rebbe is so important - I think its because I know that I feel like there's perhaps a lack of sensitivity or at the very least of understanding.

Anyway there's a reason I've brought it up now. Tonight as I sat Indian style on the floor, talking away on the phone, my mother walked into the room and said, "At 10pm the Stropkover is coming to the house so make sure you arent wearing that." Of course she was referring to my denim skirt. For a moment I entertained the thought of going and changing into Shabbos clothes but I was in the middle of Jnet learning and I figured I'd change later - or at least not go down stairs. I made a passing comment to my chavrusa to which she replied, "A REBBE IS COMING TO YOUR HOUSE?!" Why I didnt take that as a wake up call I dont know, why I didnt say you know, I really need to prepare myself can I call you back in a few moments - who knows. But I continued sitting there, same position with a sefer open on my lap. And we continued learning. 45 minutes later I hung up the phone and took a 10 minute break before my 2nd chavrusa - we were really scheduled for Monday but since there had been a schedule conflict on her part we had rescheduled for tonight. So I took my break and went down to visit my sister who was dutifully cleaning the basement. Why didnt I run downstairs and tell her, quick we have 15 minutes, lets clean up - truthfully, it slipped my mind. So we talked a bit and then back upstairs I went to call my 10pm learning partner. She was in the middle of something and said she'd call me back - it was only then that it occurred to me to mention something to my sister - so back down I went only to tell her not to come upstairs in her jean skirt - then it finally hit me - HELLO WHO CARES ABOUT SKIRTS - THIS HOUSE IS A WRECK AND WE HAVE A REBBE COMING?! I ran back to the basement door and screamed down for my sister to join me - in a whirlwind we stuffed dishes in the dishwasher and pulled off the vinyl tablecloth - we were in the midst of our cleaning when there was a knock at the door - at first we ignored it - I know, how do you leave a Rebbe standing on your doorstep but we still had to finish cleaning - so waited for the 2nd knock - then it dawned on us - we were both still in our denim skirts - neither one of us could open the door! We scrambled to and fro and then dashed upstairs, screaming for my mother - she jumped up and came running, just as my sister looked out the window and said, "oh its only Ta." So back down we went to try and finish what we had started when 5 seconds later the doorbell rang - this time there was no stalling - we both ran out of sight just as my father opened the door for the Heilige Stropkover Rebbe.

As I sat upstairs hearing my father speak to the Rebbe - huffing and puffing from the pre-meeting marathon, those thoughts about the Rebbe came back to me. How could I have been so thoughtless. How could I have no rushed into a mad cleaning mode, why hadnt I baked fresh cookies? It wasnt like this last time the Stropkover Rebbe came. Could it really be that we are gradually losing our sensitivity? Are we losing our concept of Rebbe? The thought frightens me and I dont really want to answer - but I can't get over this: I consider myself a chassidista but I wasnt prepared for the Rebbe to walk into my home. The house should have glowed for hours or at the very least for the hour and half that I was home. I should have washed my hands and learned something and watched in awe from the kitchen. How could I have let this opportunity pass, exiled upstairs because my skirt wasnt befitting a Rebbe (whether that means I shouldnt wear it at all - well we wont even go there).

Reb Zushe learned 7 things from a thief. I've learned at least 1 from this experience: that I've got a whole lot of working on myself to do - I'm not going to stand idly by as I lose a chance to experience hiskashrus -next time, I'm going to be ready!

role reversal

why do i start out hurting and end up feeling guilty. am i way off when i tell you how your words crush me? am i being selfish when i crack and cant hold my own words back? well dear though you may not understand, my heart -it works both ways
if im cold and closed - i wont hurt or at least you'll never know.
if i open up and let you in - i leave my soul exposed.

so how do i do both at once - be soft and yet stay firm? how do i leave you with a shoulder strong - to lean on when you need - when my body quivers - my chin trembles and tears threaten to betray me?

how do i tell you how much i love you - how much you hurt me back? how do i respond when you challenge my distance - when its you who pushed me far? is it worth the breath to explain myself when your memory fast grows dim? will you never get what it means to feel or how it feels to mean? can you see a frown within a laugh, hear a sigh within a song?

but alas you can't and your mind wont grasp a heart that grows complex. and so its me i make a joke as i attempt to clue you in. its me who broke and you who feels odd and as the silence thickens with remorse and the quiet leaves room to forgive - you fill it up with an empty pledge, commitment that will fade and you profess your guilt, your sorrow and your luck that i'm your friend - and you leave me feeling all the more foolish and now its me who bears the guilt. and its me who must apologize for putting you out of place - for over expressing and under correcting and well...for finally ...being me.

and so now its i who'll pledge not to weight you with my thoughts but to fill your life with ...fun...with broken smiles and empty laughs ...ooooh it'll be such fun. and so we end off as before - things all set the way you like...you'll hold on to a friend you no longer know, you'll live moments of the past and as for me, well if your happy then i'm happy, dear.

my shabbos friend

there's a lady in my shul who is my special shabbos friend. well its not that we're not friends otherwise its just that i rarely see her outside of shul. but each shabbos i look forward to going to shul and sitting in my usual spot right behind her. and then i wait for her to slowly turn around with a twinkle in her eye and a wise smirk on her face - yes wise is a good word for her. i dont think of many people as wise - but she most definately is just that. she's the kind of person who says things that you want to drink up and save forever because each little comment she says seems to open up a treasury of wisdom. and i love to listen to her and drink up her words.

this Shabbos, like every Shabbos, i came in a bit late - not too late but then again not too early. and i took my place right behind her and then - just a few minutes later than I expected - just enough time to be unexpected - she turned around and asked me a question. of course my answer never matters to these questions - its really all about the question - therein lies the wisdom. but i often answer just to get a conversation going - and to make sure she'll continue sharing. she asked: "is it easier to be forgiven by Hashem or by people?" it was brilliant -well then again she could ask me to pass the crackers at a kiddush and i would think it was brilliant - but this one i didnt consider too long - sometimes i do either because i need to or just to make me seem thoughtful - but i answered her - we both agreed Hashem. and we discussed why and how and how awful it is to ask for forgiveness from some who doesnt know you ever wronged them - how horrible it is to tell them, to hurt them just to ask for forgiveness. and we talked about the things i've done that haunt me that i'll never forget that i hope and pray the others involved have forgotten - those things that make my stomach hurt just thinking about them.
and then she asked about the horrible tragedy our community is experiencing - but she saw my eyes well up and she stopped her questions. and then she told me something that made her upset - about a person who didnt care enough to say hello to her son - giddi. nice people shouldnt have to deal with that. then she told me something really neat:

there's a word in Tehillim that is only written once - the word is matmonim מטמונים - if you break up the word you get: מ"ט-מונים-counting 49 -0bvoiously referring to counting the omer. she told me that many people include this in written correspondence during the sefirah e.g. today would be: י"ט במטמונים. so what's so k0ol about that? in Hebrew מטמונים means hidden treasures- so sefirah is our time to unearth those hidden treasures - work out and bring each level of each of our middos to the surface - how apropos! yes she most definately is a hidden treasure.

never say never cuz never's....well bound to happen

i always said never - cause there wasnt a chance - no way i was ever - so i said never

wats wrong with never - when you know and your certain - wats wrong with never - so wat its forever

if they inquired- i laughed - when they asked- i said no - when they begged i said never

and now its become my endeavor!

Don't forget us back at home

there's no way you were taken
there's no sense to make of it
you were doing all you were supposed to
you were doing holy work
you moved far from family
from friends and kosher food
you moved to teach and share
and feed our young chassidim
to nourish body with soul
so how can this world continue
when there is a hole gaping black
who will do you work
who will hold your babies tight
you would have been our perfect teacher
i told them just last night
of your love and experience
of how lucky we would be
but by then you had just left us
and our chance had dissapeared
we wanted you to teach the cheder
not start it in your name
well we will start it
there's no question now
and we will make you proud
please dont forget us
please help us and guide us
so we can do it right - like you

did we really need another reason & Hashem do you ever cry?!?!?

its up to us to do our part
the Rebbe's work is done
but here we strain 16 years later
losing - one by one

you take the men who care the most
the ones who did things right
you take young mothers pure as gold
you steal them in the night

and no matter what they did
and no matter what we do
the most precious, kindest souls
are taken back to you

our army shrinks
the enemy grows
the fight stands unresolved
but our wounds are raw
our guidance dim
and morale seems to dissolve

so if we've screamed
and they've cried too
dont you think the time is yours?
Hashem we say, we've done all we can
NOW ITS UP TO YOU!

wasted moments reaccounted for

last time i wrote i was having post-pesach-stress-syndrome - and if you think there's no such thing well i'll tell you first hand that there sure is. well B"H life got busy and i guess i pushed the feelings aside but i was still quite unsure of where things were going and where they should be going and i still was sure that there had been more to accomplish on Pesach but that i'd lost the chance.
then last night happened - and B"H that it did - well for a number of reasons a. that its much better than the alternative but b. because things started to work out - options opened up, planning happened - i finally felt like things were moving and i, with them. and then as the cherry on top - a wonderful peak to an upward shift, i received the following letter:

"Hey Chanie,
I really meant to call you and Rochel right after I got back to NYC, but then time just flew. I did get your number from Frumah but I totally forgot to call and then I just saw that you all are friends on Facebook. No pressure to friend me or anything (!!) but I actually wanted to know if you would be interested in having a chavrusa. Now I know you are plenty busy with doing a million and five things and I also find myself busy a lot but I really learnt sooooo much from you and Rochel at the Moshiach Seder. it really was the highlight of my pesach and that I what I have been telling everyone. My dvar torah at the shabbos dinner I had in my apartment this past shabbos was from the seudah! Anyway let me know but either way I do want to thank you and Rochel so much for hosting a wonderful event.
Take care and shavuah tov!

so maybe, just maybe those precious moments werent wasted afterall.

Noch a Pesach Tzugekumen

its 2:52 am motzei Pesach- post kitchen change over and pizza. i sit here struggling with a strong sense of ambivalence. as if Pesach left without saying goodbye. as if no matter how hard i tried to hold on - it slipped away. i feel this way every year but each time it hits me hard. we sit around the table, learning, singing, connecting to each other - really farbrenging. the atmosphere is beyond this world - i can really believe that it is Moshiach's Seuda. each time as the table gets quiet or the conversation starts to turn - a thought comes to me, a piece of chassidus, something to share. and i'm giving the strength and all the right words to speak it. we sing and there is something special there - everyone can feel it. we remind each other of the tremendous power these last moments of Pesach hold and how they give us the strength to leave our maytzarim and experience cherus. we speak of hiskashrus, of hachlatas, of gilui moshiach. we start seder niggunim - sharing a vort, a story, something about each Rebbe. we reach the Frierdiker Rebbe - America is Nit Andersht - we sing the Benoni niggun. geula is palpable. we're almost there. just one more push, one song, one word. and then a car honks. once, twice, there is a knock at the door. i want to say go away - we're not finished - this is so special, don't ruin it! i want to lock the door and keep everyone inside. i want us to stay on this level, in this moment - forever. we dont even have time to tell a story of the Rebbe. we sing Tzama Lecha Nafshi - and amazingly - we really sing it. despite the cars and families waiting, the dishes calling, the details pulling at us - we live out the moment. and then its silent. there are just three of us left - staring at a table full of dishes, half eaten matza, empty cups of wine. i wont bentch - i wont end it. this is my island in time - the culmination of weeks of work - inside and out. these are the priceless experiences of our personal exodus. one last guest must be taken home. with a forced smile i assure her it is no problem and rummage for my keys. but i dont want to get in the car - to leave my Pesach table. when i get back its time to clean, to put things back to how they were. but it feels fake and so unholy. the packed dishes weigh heavy on my heart. i am not ready for the to-do list, the programs, the work - but their time has come. so i reach deep inside - past ambivalence and sadness, past inspiration and warmth. until i reach mobility - the drive that will propel me forward. the boost that encourages me - you've accomplished another Pesach- it will always be yours.
now what will you do with it?

if you fall i'll catch you

my friend,

i saw you through your open window. you left it open just a crack, enough to see you hurting, not enough to hold you tight. i watched you from a distance - one that i had created but one i couldnt take away. but i stood there watching, taking it all in. i picked up on every comment, each waver, every vacillation, each change. you said things didnt matter but in your heart you know they did. i watched you accept so readily and now give up even faster. i saw you leave so much behind - reaching for something more comfortable, more familiar. but that which you have left behind is what is most familiar to you. there are so many things i wish to tell you, to explain, to go back and change. its too late now- this i know. but i must share with you somethings you dont. know that every time i think of you i'm overcome with sweet, sweet memories. know that when i hear your name i smile. know that i am so proud of you for all the smart things you say, the good grades you get, the arguments you start. know that i remember all those words you spoke in the wee hours of the morning. know that every time i run i think of how you're faster. know that i pray for you - hoping, begging that you find yourself and happiness. but most of all know how much it hurts me to see you hurting, how much i feel at fault, how much i'd give to change things. know that next time you fall, i hope i'm there to catch you.

love always,
your friend

for your eyes only

i found something i shouldnt have.
it wasnt on purpose - it just sort of happened.
and really i had every right to - it was fully public
but i knew that i shouldnt have - it was so very private
i felt almost naughty stealing glances at the lines
but i couldnt help myself.
i read it and reread it.
i doubled back to see what had come before it
and checked to see what followed
i was riveted
so much so i left my ironing
it was the smell of burning silk that tore me away
but the echo of scorching words brought me back
and i was softened by their warmth
and saddened by their message

for the time being i'm not sure what to do with all this
i shall probably go back and read it once more
and yet again i shall feel touched and confused and sad and sorry
yes most of all i am so very sorry.