just a phone call

it's amazing what the mind can come up with
quite creative but bordering neurotic

you see i'd tried to call her a bunch of times
well at first not so much, i was too shy
but then i tried ...
i summoned all my courage and i dialed the number
the phone rang
it had a strange echo over the line
it rang again
this time i thought i heard something faint coming through the wires
it sounded a bit like "you're bothering her"
that was all i needed,
i was convinced and i hung up

a couple weeks later i tried again
in agony i listend to the phone ring
once, twice, three times
-someone answered-
click!
i knew it
i knew i was bothering her,
it was a bad time and she had to hang up the phone

from then on every time i called the rings meant something new
she had just gotten in the door
it was supper time -
sometimes at 4 sometimes, 5 or 6 even 7:30
whenever the phone rang
or she was putting the kids to bed
or it was too late
or too early
it was never right

finally i stopped calling
but that didnt make it all better either
then when i needed to call,
well i couldnt because i hadnt called in so long
and because i had let her down by not calling when i said i would
and maybe she didnt want to hear from me because i was so irresponsible about this commitment we had made together

...but i really needed her...
it's been a year - well almost, chof cheshvan will be a year
a year since my grand 2nd chance (an amazing moment i'll have to write about)
i had to work this out
i emailed her - yes a cop out but i was nervous
two weeks and no answer
-maybe she didnt check it...
-of course she checked it
-maybe she had a baby and is out of commission for a bit
-she didnt have a baby
-and if she did then you better not bother her

i shoved it all aside
i called
my stomach turned twice each ring
no answer
well i definitely wasnt going to leave a message
i called the next day
does she have caller ID?
she'll know i'm bothering her
i called 2 days later
i'm now a stalker for sure
keep at it - you're doing the write thing
no answer
maybe i should look for someone new
but i couldnt come up with anyone
i called again
no answer
friday I wrote to Rebbe.
I needed help
and if nothing else, now i was commited
there was no turning back now
i called last night
no answer

tonight - SHE CALLED ME BACK!