i just read a piece, an excerpt from hayom yom it asserted that we exist by following the directives of a sage
an interesting perspective for someone who runs around (chicken minus the head style)
from program to program, peulah to peulah, trying to follow those directives
and dont get me wrong - its in no way so altruistic and l'shma
it's just, well ...
actually up until now i couldnt quite figure out why i do it,
at times i'll find myself in a moment of inspiration and yes,
its all about doing what the Rebbe wants
but the rest of the time-
am i just maintaining that which i've already started?
is it that i'm in too deep to pull out?
do i feel too guilty to say no?
do i need something to fill my time lest i waste it or worse be bored?
or is it what hayom yom says?
am i filling my moments, hours, days and weeks
desperate to prove my existance
it sounds so menial
is that all i do
not that there are no good side effects or outcomes
but is that really my subconscious drive?
i'm going to stop and consider a bit before i continue - i'm really not sure
scary thought
Monday, November 17, 2008
Sunday, November 16, 2008
just a phone call
it's amazing what the mind can come up with
quite creative but bordering neurotic
you see i'd tried to call her a bunch of times
well at first not so much, i was too shy
but then i tried ...
i summoned all my courage and i dialed the number
the phone rang
it had a strange echo over the line
it rang again
this time i thought i heard something faint coming through the wires
it sounded a bit like "you're bothering her"
that was all i needed,
i was convinced and i hung up
a couple weeks later i tried again
in agony i listend to the phone ring
once, twice, three times
-someone answered-
click!
i knew it
i knew i was bothering her,
it was a bad time and she had to hang up the phone
from then on every time i called the rings meant something new
she had just gotten in the door
it was supper time -
sometimes at 4 sometimes, 5 or 6 even 7:30
whenever the phone rang
or she was putting the kids to bed
or it was too late
or too early
it was never right
finally i stopped calling
but that didnt make it all better either
then when i needed to call,
well i couldnt because i hadnt called in so long
and because i had let her down by not calling when i said i would
and maybe she didnt want to hear from me because i was so irresponsible about this commitment we had made together
...but i really needed her...
it's been a year - well almost, chof cheshvan will be a year
a year since my grand 2nd chance (an amazing moment i'll have to write about)
i had to work this out
i emailed her - yes a cop out but i was nervous
two weeks and no answer
-maybe she didnt check it...
-of course she checked it
-maybe she had a baby and is out of commission for a bit
-she didnt have a baby
-and if she did then you better not bother her
i shoved it all aside
i called
my stomach turned twice each ring
no answer
well i definitely wasnt going to leave a message
i called the next day
does she have caller ID?
she'll know i'm bothering her
i called 2 days later
i'm now a stalker for sure
keep at it - you're doing the write thing
no answer
maybe i should look for someone new
but i couldnt come up with anyone
i called again
no answer
friday I wrote to Rebbe.
I needed help
and if nothing else, now i was commited
there was no turning back now
i called last night
no answer
tonight - SHE CALLED ME BACK!
quite creative but bordering neurotic
you see i'd tried to call her a bunch of times
well at first not so much, i was too shy
but then i tried ...
i summoned all my courage and i dialed the number
the phone rang
it had a strange echo over the line
it rang again
this time i thought i heard something faint coming through the wires
it sounded a bit like "you're bothering her"
that was all i needed,
i was convinced and i hung up
a couple weeks later i tried again
in agony i listend to the phone ring
once, twice, three times
-someone answered-
click!
i knew it
i knew i was bothering her,
it was a bad time and she had to hang up the phone
from then on every time i called the rings meant something new
she had just gotten in the door
it was supper time -
sometimes at 4 sometimes, 5 or 6 even 7:30
whenever the phone rang
or she was putting the kids to bed
or it was too late
or too early
it was never right
finally i stopped calling
but that didnt make it all better either
then when i needed to call,
well i couldnt because i hadnt called in so long
and because i had let her down by not calling when i said i would
and maybe she didnt want to hear from me because i was so irresponsible about this commitment we had made together
...but i really needed her...
it's been a year - well almost, chof cheshvan will be a year
a year since my grand 2nd chance (an amazing moment i'll have to write about)
i had to work this out
i emailed her - yes a cop out but i was nervous
two weeks and no answer
-maybe she didnt check it...
-of course she checked it
-maybe she had a baby and is out of commission for a bit
-she didnt have a baby
-and if she did then you better not bother her
i shoved it all aside
i called
my stomach turned twice each ring
no answer
well i definitely wasnt going to leave a message
i called the next day
does she have caller ID?
she'll know i'm bothering her
i called 2 days later
i'm now a stalker for sure
keep at it - you're doing the write thing
no answer
maybe i should look for someone new
but i couldnt come up with anyone
i called again
no answer
friday I wrote to Rebbe.
I needed help
and if nothing else, now i was commited
there was no turning back now
i called last night
no answer
tonight - SHE CALLED ME BACK!
a new post eh?
well there's the maamar that was sooo "The Project"
and then there was the exciting news that she called me back! No didnt just answer the phone but called me back!
and then there was more on the SAGA - yes the never ending SAGA
and a bunch more things i definitely dont remember
so i'm going to have to think about this one a bit
...be back soon.......
and then there was the exciting news that she called me back! No didnt just answer the phone but called me back!
and then there was more on the SAGA - yes the never ending SAGA
and a bunch more things i definitely dont remember
so i'm going to have to think about this one a bit
...be back soon.......
Sunday, September 28, 2008
two live fish
its been a few days since my "night before new-school trauma"
my classroom got set up - B"H
it looks really nice - B"H
the next day was a great one with the kids-B"H
dropoff worked
outside worked
pickup worked
everyone said it looks like a real classroom
B"H B"H B"H B"H
tonight i had to pack up my classroom again because they are using it for Rosh Hashana davening
i took down all my signs and packed up all my toys and schlepped it all into the other classroom
they said they'd put up my curtains though - B"H!
and i'll go back to school after a 5 day break to a room filled with Rosh Hashana brachos B"H
oh and there's two live fish in the bowl
B"H!
my classroom got set up - B"H
it looks really nice - B"H
the next day was a great one with the kids-B"H
dropoff worked
outside worked
pickup worked
everyone said it looks like a real classroom
B"H B"H B"H B"H
tonight i had to pack up my classroom again because they are using it for Rosh Hashana davening
i took down all my signs and packed up all my toys and schlepped it all into the other classroom
they said they'd put up my curtains though - B"H!
and i'll go back to school after a 5 day break to a room filled with Rosh Hashana brachos B"H
oh and there's two live fish in the bowl
B"H!
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
a meeting with DJ
my long awaited meeting happened today and despite my apprehension it was actually quite successful. I gave her the low-down on where i'm at in the classroom and where i'd like to be and asked for guidance on getting there. we went over different methods and ideas and i left feeling quite confident. let's see how long the feeling lasts once i'm back in the classroom...
now for a grand brain dump of what we spoke of:
there are two schools of thought - 1. formal teacher centered learning 2. student centered learning
i'd like to be in the 2nd category but am straddling between the two
the 2nd is hard in terms of accountability and parent/other teachers' standard expectations but when followed through the successes for the students are far greater.
during these first 5 years when 90% of the brain develops we need to foster as much brain strength and creativity while it still has a major effect on the child
KEY POINT: children learn best when emotion is involved e.g. a child touches the stove when its hot and learns very quickly not to touch it again because a negative emotion was associated with it - the same works in positive terms
when a child guides learning and discovers things - the emotional level is much higher because the learning/discovery comes with excitement
fostering this excitement and child centered learning includes going with what the child is doing/saying/feeling and guiding it vs. stopping it when it is misplaced.
working on behavior modification with stories is far more effective than telling a child what to do
and a few more examples and stories and laughs - it was a great meeting....i'll have to add more to the recap and a followup as i implement the techniques.
now for a grand brain dump of what we spoke of:
there are two schools of thought - 1. formal teacher centered learning 2. student centered learning
i'd like to be in the 2nd category but am straddling between the two
the 2nd is hard in terms of accountability and parent/other teachers' standard expectations but when followed through the successes for the students are far greater.
during these first 5 years when 90% of the brain develops we need to foster as much brain strength and creativity while it still has a major effect on the child
KEY POINT: children learn best when emotion is involved e.g. a child touches the stove when its hot and learns very quickly not to touch it again because a negative emotion was associated with it - the same works in positive terms
when a child guides learning and discovers things - the emotional level is much higher because the learning/discovery comes with excitement
fostering this excitement and child centered learning includes going with what the child is doing/saying/feeling and guiding it vs. stopping it when it is misplaced.
working on behavior modification with stories is far more effective than telling a child what to do
and a few more examples and stories and laughs - it was a great meeting....i'll have to add more to the recap and a followup as i implement the techniques.
Monday, September 22, 2008
a bruised ego and a dead fish
uch is was one of those days - i had it all planned out and it was supposed to work out .......shockingly it didnt.
when i wanted to sleep longer i made myself get up
then as i tried to change the water my fish jumped out of his bowl
i made sure to daven before i left the house
we saved the fish and got him back in his bowl
i went out on my errands and managed my time so i'd finish quickly
i met a women who i hadnt seen for a while and we talked for 45 minutes
i finally had a chance to go home and finish getting ready
they called and said they were ready to go and i should meet them now
i arrived at cheder and they just hung around doing nothing
i got to work and got things done
i cleaned my classroom and organized it
then their kids played and messed it all up
i had to run errands and be back by 6 so i said i had to go
they said sure lets all go and just make a few stops on the way
we got back and there was still lots to get done
they all went home and told me to find someone to finish the building work
i found two people then a third to get theirs and my work done
they came and found some help to get their work done
i cleaned up the kids mess and pulled things back together
they found more supplies and dumped them on my table
i sat down to make my posters and cut them out alone
they came and used my expensive paper and left me the scraps to clean
i finally had someone lending a hand cuz my crew doesnt help
she came and said hey arent you supposed to be helping me
i needed an opinion - just where to keep my fish
she said i cant stress about your fish right now
i gave up and trying and went home
i found the fish was dead
....it made sense though, it was the right kind of ending for a wrong kind of day
when i wanted to sleep longer i made myself get up
then as i tried to change the water my fish jumped out of his bowl
i made sure to daven before i left the house
we saved the fish and got him back in his bowl
i went out on my errands and managed my time so i'd finish quickly
i met a women who i hadnt seen for a while and we talked for 45 minutes
i finally had a chance to go home and finish getting ready
they called and said they were ready to go and i should meet them now
i arrived at cheder and they just hung around doing nothing
i got to work and got things done
i cleaned my classroom and organized it
then their kids played and messed it all up
i had to run errands and be back by 6 so i said i had to go
they said sure lets all go and just make a few stops on the way
we got back and there was still lots to get done
they all went home and told me to find someone to finish the building work
i found two people then a third to get theirs and my work done
they came and found some help to get their work done
i cleaned up the kids mess and pulled things back together
they found more supplies and dumped them on my table
i sat down to make my posters and cut them out alone
they came and used my expensive paper and left me the scraps to clean
i finally had someone lending a hand cuz my crew doesnt help
she came and said hey arent you supposed to be helping me
i needed an opinion - just where to keep my fish
she said i cant stress about your fish right now
i gave up and trying and went home
i found the fish was dead
....it made sense though, it was the right kind of ending for a wrong kind of day
Sunday, September 21, 2008
i think i'll have a good kislev
I dont know about the rest of the year but today was good ...i think i accomplished quite a bit ... so i'm thinking kislev will be a good one - or so i hope
after all today is kislev in the chai elul to rosh hashana day/month count down ....let's see how we do in teves tomorrow
after all today is kislev in the chai elul to rosh hashana day/month count down ....let's see how we do in teves tomorrow
its all Your fault!
its weird to be in such close contact with a self you count your own
and then consider that inside and out none of it belongs to you
which of course brings in to question if inside and out - you're not you
....ummm maybe... uh...there is no you
ouch....the thought hurts me...or wait...not me?
well something felt it when i ...er...you ...er it felt strange to think that,
to be blown off so easy
to have my existence traded for a non-existence that thinks and acts like one
but wait there may be an upside...
if there's no me ....
then i didnt do it
and it wasnt me
and really .........it's all Your fault!
so i just want to assert,
as i start over and get things straight around here
all that past - well i had nothing to do with it
true, i have nothing to do with the future either
but You can't hold me accountable for Your actions ......
so are we ...er...You good here?
and then consider that inside and out none of it belongs to you
which of course brings in to question if inside and out - you're not you
....ummm maybe... uh...there is no you
ouch....the thought hurts me...or wait...not me?
well something felt it when i ...er...you ...er it felt strange to think that,
to be blown off so easy
to have my existence traded for a non-existence that thinks and acts like one
but wait there may be an upside...
if there's no me ....
then i didnt do it
and it wasnt me
and really .........it's all Your fault!
so i just want to assert,
as i start over and get things straight around here
all that past - well i had nothing to do with it
true, i have nothing to do with the future either
but You can't hold me accountable for Your actions ......
so are we ...er...You good here?
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
home stretch
i'm back to school in less than 8 hours but its the final days - and that's what's keeping me going. we're learning Tof! I'm not sure how an entire year just upped and left without my noticing - and here i thought i consider myself an observant jew (ouch ...the shavuos company has brought me to a greater appreciation for corny humor - hey if you can't beat em ...join em)
b"H its been a wonderful year but while parts of it seem so long ago - the sum total of all those parts just doesnt add up to a year.
b"H its been a wonderful year but while parts of it seem so long ago - the sum total of all those parts just doesnt add up to a year.
Thursday, June 05, 2008
plan-along
i'm constantly on the lookout for new and improved classroom techniques, decor, materials, etc... i have a whole stack of books with pages marked for photocopying and little notes for filing away for some future date but one of these days i am most definitely going to forget it all! i'll be sitting with my plan-book wide open, knowing that i had something super and specific (also super-specific) in mind, only having absolutely no clue what it was. so it's time i write it all down or type it all up (funny how those are opposite actions - is it cuz we download our brain to paper but have to upload it to get in on the comp? hmmmmmmm...)
so here's the to-do list that will keep on growing and changing and hopefully will also happen in real-time:
so here's the to-do list that will keep on growing and changing and hopefully will also happen in real-time:
Sunday, June 01, 2008
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
love thyself...
its a wonder how so weak and lame
i find my love for thee
yet strong and mighty is the love
i save for loving me
and i know its not a matter
of your importance
versus mine
its just that some of us,
well,
are perfect by design
and even those, perfect as i
that err a time or two
its minor things, just here and there
not frequent like you do
i know deep down
this shouldn't be
i must love you just the same
but when i'm different- nay exceptional
am i really so to blame
yet this in mind-i'll never know
the love that you are due
until i look beyond myself
and know that you're me too
i find my love for thee
yet strong and mighty is the love
i save for loving me
and i know its not a matter
of your importance
versus mine
its just that some of us,
well,
are perfect by design
and even those, perfect as i
that err a time or two
its minor things, just here and there
not frequent like you do
i know deep down
this shouldn't be
i must love you just the same
but when i'm different- nay exceptional
am i really so to blame
yet this in mind-i'll never know
the love that you are due
until i look beyond myself
and know that you're me too
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
each year on shavuos we get the torah again ...just as it happened at sinai
the scene went something like this...
"hayom yom shloshim...."
"yay we're almost at shavuos"
"that's right - should we count the flowers so we know how many days closer we are"
"1, 2, 3...30"
"soon we gunna cover it up till here - the whole thing!"
"yes, each day we count we get closer and closer to the top - closer to shavuos"
" we're gunna get the torah!"
"today?"
"no, when we get to the top"
"when we get the towah can we look out the window and see?"
"but there aren't enough windows for everyone to see"
" when Hashem gives us the torah - will we go and catch it?"
"hayom yom shloshim...."
"yay we're almost at shavuos"
"that's right - should we count the flowers so we know how many days closer we are"
"1, 2, 3...30"
"soon we gunna cover it up till here - the whole thing!"
"yes, each day we count we get closer and closer to the top - closer to shavuos"
" we're gunna get the torah!"
"today?"
"no, when we get to the top"
"when we get the towah can we look out the window and see?"
"but there aren't enough windows for everyone to see"
" when Hashem gives us the torah - will we go and catch it?"
Sunday, May 18, 2008
if only life came with construction signs
there's much to be said for roadway construction workers. aside for their unlimited power in creating traffic jams, blocking roadways and lowering speed limits - there's lots to be learned from them.
most useful i find are their signs, well theirs and just general warning signs. i think we should all have them and routinely use them in every day life.
for example, think how useful it would be, when focusing on an upcoming deadline with weeks worth of work to be accomplished in just days, to just hang up a sign "contents under pressure"
or while in the midst of trying to refine aspects of your character when your not fully accomplished but have come so far - why can't we let everyone know with a "work in progress" sign
even more useful would be if life came with these signs, you know just as warning. So that instead of having to face an obstacle completely unprepared, we'd expect impeding situations with a "detour ahead" notice. and avenues that aren't even worth our while in our journey of self-growth would be clearly marked, "dead end."
oh it would be great to know that those seemingly endless difficult situations really weren't endless that in fact they were just "..next 500 feet."
"slippery road" for those kinda kosher areas, "u-turn" for an opportunity to fix a mess-ups- the list could go forever and yet i'm feeling as though if i translate all the messages into my own sign - it'd look something like this:
most useful i find are their signs, well theirs and just general warning signs. i think we should all have them and routinely use them in every day life.
for example, think how useful it would be, when focusing on an upcoming deadline with weeks worth of work to be accomplished in just days, to just hang up a sign "contents under pressure"
or while in the midst of trying to refine aspects of your character when your not fully accomplished but have come so far - why can't we let everyone know with a "work in progress" sign
even more useful would be if life came with these signs, you know just as warning. So that instead of having to face an obstacle completely unprepared, we'd expect impeding situations with a "detour ahead" notice. and avenues that aren't even worth our while in our journey of self-growth would be clearly marked, "dead end."
oh it would be great to know that those seemingly endless difficult situations really weren't endless that in fact they were just "..next 500 feet."
"slippery road" for those kinda kosher areas, "u-turn" for an opportunity to fix a mess-ups- the list could go forever and yet i'm feeling as though if i translate all the messages into my own sign - it'd look something like this:
Friday, May 02, 2008
wow i've run away for so long ...been meaning to come back and spill but somethings been keeping me ...i only happened upon myself today, clicking on my own name in a comment left for a friend ...weird how that was...but maybe i'll be coming back one of these days...after all there is oh so much to share
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Nshei Night
Yay! a gazillion pastries - baked, garnished, displayed, eaten & cleaned up ... the party is over! But it was oh so much fun in the making!
Thursday, January 17, 2008
out of words
its a strange sensation when all words freeze and wont release leaving you stuck in plateau with no progression of thought so that events occur yet the words dont come. and this has kept so much inside shoving at the edges of my mind to be let free. and alas the advil bottle lays empty and the pressure hasnt eased so its time to let it all out...............
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