Refuah Sheleimah!

"i wanna start with thanking everyone again for davening. it means so much to my family you dont even know. now, for the update...my mother is unfortunatly in the hospital. the tumors in her lungs grew and she really isnt doing well...the doctors say she doesnt have much time but since Hashem runs the world it is up to Him. please lets continue to daven so zeesah miriam bas yehudis should have a full and complete refuah shilamh. AMEN ~Chaya Griego~

p.s-PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE make sure to foward this!!!!! thanks you"

back in cali

DO NOT ADJUST YOUR SCREEN......you have just entered.............THE TWILIGHT ZONE!! hello this is soo freaking weard, i'm in b-more and chanie is in cali.....ahhhhhhhh (sorry) . ok so my shabbat was in owings mills, had a short farby for my b-day. turns out there's a big dif btw 20 and 21. even the not-yet-religous people were asking when i was getting married, while my cousin lee was trying to set me up w/ some dude(he means well) anyways 2 things i was told abt shidduch
1. some girls' mother-in-laws, do not have boys(they don't get married)
2. "i was going to set u up w/ _____ but since u're acting like that, i don't think so"(what is a shidduch date like going to the toy store or s/t; try telling the insurance co "i was going to pay my premium,but since ur acting like that well now i'm not")
i have a few corny jokes abt shidduch dating but nothing i found amazingly funy, unless i can find that e-mail from 10th grade.

very very funny....

a couple days ago i was on the phone with a friend - as we spoke she checked her email. one particular email caught her attention, its subject line read: very very funny...please read..
apparently however, much to my friend's dismay, the email did not contain anything even mildly amusing - it was actually a tehillim request with a creative subject line to encourage people to read it. my friend shared her disappreciation of such humor with me - i told her i thought it was clever because unfortunately many tehillim letters come each day, some repeats, some new - so why not get people's attention. we finished the conversation and i proceeded to go on with my day. later than evening i checked my own inbox and there sat that letter. i opened it and proceeded to read what was a very sad and touching request of a 16 year old girl to please recite tehillim for her mother. in such pure and simple words she explained the what her mother's illness was and what the doctors had said, that she didnt know if her mother would see her 17th birthday, how her brothers and sisters needed their mother. i scrolled down to see the name and recited kapital chof by rote. there was more writing at the bottom so i scrolled further - the letter was signed....by a girl i knew! i couldnt believe it ...the smilely, always happy, always thoughtful girl who was close with all my bnos chabad girls - was hurting every day and she hadnt told anyone. the letter took on whole meaning for me (i know all tehillim requests should really be just as painful but somehow knowing the person makes it so much more real and scary) i called my friend who had gotten the email first - i didnt even know what to tell her but i wanted to make sure she took the "funny letter" seriously. the past few days, each time i open my inbox i see i've re-received the letter - each time from someone new, from a different part of the world, from a different community and i find comfort knowing that yidden across the world really do care for eachother and that chaya's mother's name is going 'round the world through the power of the web and through the courage of a 16 year old who finally opened up.

May Zeesah Miriam bas Yehudis have a refuah shleima u'kerovah! and may her family only know brachos and simcha!

dont fall for the trap.....dogoodjustcuz

there's a well known rule in the world of positive reinforcement - never tell someone "you did such a great job- you can do it again next time!" what your teaching them is once is never good enough for you so they had better not do a good job next time. i often consider this idea and its a big joke in my house e.g. hey, you did such a great job mopping the floor you can do it every time! but does it work on G-d? see i was thinking when something happens and we react - does the reaction affect future action one way or another? its Reizi that got me thinking - Shabbos was her yartzeit and in the days just before it I was scrambling to finish up commitments made in her memory. and i was by no stretch of the imagination the only one. hundreds of people ka"H had jumped on the band wagon, eager to take on hachlatos to makeReiziproud. but how did Hashem look at this situation? I have no doubt that He too is proud of us, and appreciates every mitzva and hachlata. but have we non-verbally told Hashem - "look, You throw horrible blows our way and we do mitzvos in return-perush-if you want us to do more mitzvos throw more bad things our way!"
i think there are two possible solutions - 1. dont react well to tragedies and maybe Hashem will see there's nothing to be gained from them or 2. start doing good just because - then we'll show Hashem that we dont need pain and sad thing to encourage us to do good
i'm pretty sure the latter is the way to go - the former just takes away any possible positive that could be brought out of a seemingly negative situation

so lets make our next campaign doinggoodjustcuz - and i'm sure that too will makeReiziproud

steps in the sands of time

preface:
blogging has really paid off - i started to get myself into writing more and i've gotten so ensconced in this little writing haven that i actually relate to situations in terms of how writable they are anyway this erev shavuos marks the 2 year anniversary of a very special journey and i thought it time to put it down in words and play with the angle - to see how i could make the experience go even further ...so here goes.....

the young woman placed one last package in the cart. time was short and a long distance lay ahead. together she and two others set out on a journey. each woman led an animal laden with fruit and gifts an indication of the impending chag. hidden under perfectly folded muslin, secured tightly with knotted twine lay hours of painstaking work carefully stitched into fine seams of splendidly colored silk dresses and linen robes trimmed in gold braid

across each woman's shoulder hung a new leather pouch prepared especially for the trip. but all these were of lesser importance. it was the basket that made these women's heart skip. there atop the strongest of the animals sat an oddly shaped packaged wrapped and rewrapped to protect it from the scorching sun and the wind storms that accompanied the women on their journey. the package was a years worth of anticipation and growth. for within the careful wrappings lay a basket of bikkurim. from the very start of the year the earth had be worked to give the best fruits. seeds were planted and with watchful eyes the women waited for the first sprouts to raise their heads. gently the first fruit were labeled and how proudly they wore their red strings - a symbol of position and choice. now these new fruits had to be nurtured, insuring the most luscious of crops. when the sun was strong, the plants were shaded, when the rain fell short the produce was hand -watered.

weeks before the journey the women had gone to the water to gather reeds, carefully selecting and seperating them to be dyed. and then the weaving began - the women gathered together, each with her own pattern in mind, to share the joy and work. together they wove the patterns of each, including every braid, each intricate twist. the basket needed to be strong and large but also beautiful.

as the trip grew near other preparations began - food was cooked and stored, clothing sewn but each evening the women gathered to reinspect their basket and add another detail.
finally it was time to pick the first fruits. the family gathered together and each man, woman and child helped collect the gifts of fruit. into the basket each fruit went, baking it all the more beautiful and complete. then the basket was wrapped and mounted onto the strongest animal for transport. the children gathered flowers and colorful weeds to decorate the animal - making sure that their precious gift was carried in so befitting a manner.

alas the time had come - the men moved on ahead, taking with them the children. only the women stayed behind to check last minute arrangements and to accompany the basket.

the young woman looked proudly at the basket. This year was different. this year she was not riding along with the family. this year she was escorting her gift on foot. and she prayed that Hashem accept every step - a gift, dedicated to her Master. This year along with the bikkurim, she was presenting herself ....


....the young woman placed one more item in her bag and slung it over her shoulder. time was short and a long distance lay ahead. together she and two others set out on a journey. each woman carried a bag packed special for the trip. but these and all their feelings were .... in the light of the gift they carried with them. carefully wrapped and modestly covered the women protected a most precious gift - one that had taken the year to prepare.

the earth had been carefully prepared and from the very first moments of their arrival seeds were planted and carefully tended to. with sweat and tears the tiniest of saplings was protected and encouraged. when the hardships bore down too strong, the fruit was shaded, when strength fell short, the produce was lovingly revived.

weeks before the journey the women had refocused and scrambled to give the fruit all it could get before time ran out. gathering the choicest of words, the women began to weave - torah, mind and heart - into one beautiful basket. the women gathered together, each with her own pattern in mind, to share the joy and work. together they wove the patterns of each, including every braid, each intricate twist. the basket needed to be strong and lasting but also beautiful.

alas the time had come - the women prepared bags to be sent ahead with the rest. only three women stayed behind to check last minute arrangements and to accompany the basket

now, the young woman looked proudly inside at her basket. this year had been different. this year she was not riding along with the group. This year she was escorting her gift on foot. and she prayed that Hashem accept every step - a gift, dedicated to her Master. This year along with the bikkurim, she was presenting herself ....


two worlds - two times - one soul - one place

sorry

yes i have alot to aplogize for and no i have not fallen off the face of the earth! so chanie and i finally got to go out together last night. b4 i go on w/ my o so boring post onthe blog i would just like to say how proud i am of chanie, she works so hard and she will prob be upset w/ me for braggin but i think she's the best friend in the world and i do not deserve her. now that i 've said that i can tell you that i had 3 cups of coffee last night and was totally unable to sleep till 6(and i did e/t u know the whole sit still and not think thing) ok thats my thought for the day, do not drink coffee before bed:)

Yiddish Humor @ its Best...

I'm still laughing...

3 am and 4 coffees later....

ok not my typical piece but duty calls so i had to come up with it....

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Creepy Crawler

HOT OFF THE PRESS:

My nephew started crawling!! Ok that alone - not so thrilling...but that means that walking and talking are right around the corner and for that, I can not wait. I can see it now, walking hand in hand on a beautiful summer's day, his baby smooth fingers clutching my hand, when suddenly he looks up at me with his crystal clear blue eyes and in the sweet, soft voice of a baby says, "i'm hungry!" oh wait that was supposed to be something tender ...oh well...not all moments work out the way we dream. But he sure did ...my boo is just the way i dreamed - even better!

spread a little light

More Light

Fighting evil is a very noble activity when it must be done. But it is not our mission in life.

Our job is to bring in more light.

From the teachings of the Rebbe; rendered by Tzvi Freeman

shared prayers

two women sitting side by side
one is blessed one deprived
they both recite their prayers long
one in tears the other song
one: thank you for her souls bequeathed
one: let her care for souls, beseeched
and while their books were two akin
their thoughts diametric as within
with identic words but polar minds
each asked for gifts of different kinds
and One G-d heard the voice of both
and answered each with separate growth
one with support and direction
one with offspring and affection
and granted not was each mother
but that she prayed for the other

May it be Hashem's will that the power of Lag B'Omer and the special tefillos recited on that day break all heavenly decrees and all extenuating circumstances and let each Jewish couple know the joy of bringing children into this world.

today was yud-daled iyar. but it was also wednesday. so like every other wednesday i taught hebrew school. i told my students that today was something special - that it was pesach sheni and that in honor of today we would eat matzah. the kids were excited mostly because we were eating matzah. then class continued. we talked about the up and coming lag b'omer. the kids were really excited. after all lag b'omer is major. its chet v'keshet, medurah - its a full blown holiday. we learned about why a fire and why a bow and mostly why we celebrate. as a finishing touch we made edible medurot - toasting our marshmallows over pretzels and fruit roll-up. then the next class came in and we did it all over again.

when hebrew school was over i packed up and drove home. but there was a thought nagging me. why is it that lag b'omer is so huge and pesach sheni is just a piece of matzah? pesach sheni should be major - i mean c'mon its our second chance...we should be jumping and screaming, spreading the word on billboards and yet all we do is eat matzah. and lag b'omer, sure we should celebrate but why not like every other celebration, sitting around the table - wine, meat and bread? why dancing and fires, music and toys? why is lag b'omer strong enough to break the mourning of sefirah but our second chance to connect to Hashem is nothing but crummy flat bread.


well i leave these as questions for now ... answers will come

are we losing our sense of Rebbe?

The Frierdiker Rebbe bemoaned the fall of Czarist Russia, telling us that we had lost our concept of a king thereby losing our chance to truly experience the moshal that so perfectly describes our relationship to The King and our place in Avodas Hashem. Those who experienced life under the Czar may have held onto the concept but surely it faded with time. Those who never knew the Czar were further removed and surely they sooner filled the void of this loss. It amazes me that such a horrible man - a goy through and through could have affected our avoda so strongly. L'havdil elef alfei havdalos - the Rebbe, perhaps in a different manner, guided our avoda. But as time passes, can we lose our sense of Rebbe? Its a thought that has plagued me off and on for a while. When I write a p"n I feel as if I'm cheating - that I get away with just washing my hands and throwing in some extra Chassidus. Even going to the Ohel - I'm always underprepared and definately underwhelmed. Ok there were times that a 7 hour bus ride filled with learning and Rabbi Deren's giving over the Hishtatchus maamer put me in the right mindset - but more often its - well we're going to NY anyway or its been a while, better check in. It's not that I dont know that going to the Rebbe is so important - I think its because I know that I feel like there's perhaps a lack of sensitivity or at the very least of understanding.

Anyway there's a reason I've brought it up now. Tonight as I sat Indian style on the floor, talking away on the phone, my mother walked into the room and said, "At 10pm the Stropkover is coming to the house so make sure you arent wearing that." Of course she was referring to my denim skirt. For a moment I entertained the thought of going and changing into Shabbos clothes but I was in the middle of Jnet learning and I figured I'd change later - or at least not go down stairs. I made a passing comment to my chavrusa to which she replied, "A REBBE IS COMING TO YOUR HOUSE?!" Why I didnt take that as a wake up call I dont know, why I didnt say you know, I really need to prepare myself can I call you back in a few moments - who knows. But I continued sitting there, same position with a sefer open on my lap. And we continued learning. 45 minutes later I hung up the phone and took a 10 minute break before my 2nd chavrusa - we were really scheduled for Monday but since there had been a schedule conflict on her part we had rescheduled for tonight. So I took my break and went down to visit my sister who was dutifully cleaning the basement. Why didnt I run downstairs and tell her, quick we have 15 minutes, lets clean up - truthfully, it slipped my mind. So we talked a bit and then back upstairs I went to call my 10pm learning partner. She was in the middle of something and said she'd call me back - it was only then that it occurred to me to mention something to my sister - so back down I went only to tell her not to come upstairs in her jean skirt - then it finally hit me - HELLO WHO CARES ABOUT SKIRTS - THIS HOUSE IS A WRECK AND WE HAVE A REBBE COMING?! I ran back to the basement door and screamed down for my sister to join me - in a whirlwind we stuffed dishes in the dishwasher and pulled off the vinyl tablecloth - we were in the midst of our cleaning when there was a knock at the door - at first we ignored it - I know, how do you leave a Rebbe standing on your doorstep but we still had to finish cleaning - so waited for the 2nd knock - then it dawned on us - we were both still in our denim skirts - neither one of us could open the door! We scrambled to and fro and then dashed upstairs, screaming for my mother - she jumped up and came running, just as my sister looked out the window and said, "oh its only Ta." So back down we went to try and finish what we had started when 5 seconds later the doorbell rang - this time there was no stalling - we both ran out of sight just as my father opened the door for the Heilige Stropkover Rebbe.

As I sat upstairs hearing my father speak to the Rebbe - huffing and puffing from the pre-meeting marathon, those thoughts about the Rebbe came back to me. How could I have been so thoughtless. How could I have no rushed into a mad cleaning mode, why hadnt I baked fresh cookies? It wasnt like this last time the Stropkover Rebbe came. Could it really be that we are gradually losing our sensitivity? Are we losing our concept of Rebbe? The thought frightens me and I dont really want to answer - but I can't get over this: I consider myself a chassidista but I wasnt prepared for the Rebbe to walk into my home. The house should have glowed for hours or at the very least for the hour and half that I was home. I should have washed my hands and learned something and watched in awe from the kitchen. How could I have let this opportunity pass, exiled upstairs because my skirt wasnt befitting a Rebbe (whether that means I shouldnt wear it at all - well we wont even go there).

Reb Zushe learned 7 things from a thief. I've learned at least 1 from this experience: that I've got a whole lot of working on myself to do - I'm not going to stand idly by as I lose a chance to experience hiskashrus -next time, I'm going to be ready!

role reversal

why do i start out hurting and end up feeling guilty. am i way off when i tell you how your words crush me? am i being selfish when i crack and cant hold my own words back? well dear though you may not understand, my heart -it works both ways
if im cold and closed - i wont hurt or at least you'll never know.
if i open up and let you in - i leave my soul exposed.

so how do i do both at once - be soft and yet stay firm? how do i leave you with a shoulder strong - to lean on when you need - when my body quivers - my chin trembles and tears threaten to betray me?

how do i tell you how much i love you - how much you hurt me back? how do i respond when you challenge my distance - when its you who pushed me far? is it worth the breath to explain myself when your memory fast grows dim? will you never get what it means to feel or how it feels to mean? can you see a frown within a laugh, hear a sigh within a song?

but alas you can't and your mind wont grasp a heart that grows complex. and so its me i make a joke as i attempt to clue you in. its me who broke and you who feels odd and as the silence thickens with remorse and the quiet leaves room to forgive - you fill it up with an empty pledge, commitment that will fade and you profess your guilt, your sorrow and your luck that i'm your friend - and you leave me feeling all the more foolish and now its me who bears the guilt. and its me who must apologize for putting you out of place - for over expressing and under correcting and well...for finally ...being me.

and so now its i who'll pledge not to weight you with my thoughts but to fill your life with ...fun...with broken smiles and empty laughs ...ooooh it'll be such fun. and so we end off as before - things all set the way you like...you'll hold on to a friend you no longer know, you'll live moments of the past and as for me, well if your happy then i'm happy, dear.

my shabbos friend

there's a lady in my shul who is my special shabbos friend. well its not that we're not friends otherwise its just that i rarely see her outside of shul. but each shabbos i look forward to going to shul and sitting in my usual spot right behind her. and then i wait for her to slowly turn around with a twinkle in her eye and a wise smirk on her face - yes wise is a good word for her. i dont think of many people as wise - but she most definately is just that. she's the kind of person who says things that you want to drink up and save forever because each little comment she says seems to open up a treasury of wisdom. and i love to listen to her and drink up her words.

this Shabbos, like every Shabbos, i came in a bit late - not too late but then again not too early. and i took my place right behind her and then - just a few minutes later than I expected - just enough time to be unexpected - she turned around and asked me a question. of course my answer never matters to these questions - its really all about the question - therein lies the wisdom. but i often answer just to get a conversation going - and to make sure she'll continue sharing. she asked: "is it easier to be forgiven by Hashem or by people?" it was brilliant -well then again she could ask me to pass the crackers at a kiddush and i would think it was brilliant - but this one i didnt consider too long - sometimes i do either because i need to or just to make me seem thoughtful - but i answered her - we both agreed Hashem. and we discussed why and how and how awful it is to ask for forgiveness from some who doesnt know you ever wronged them - how horrible it is to tell them, to hurt them just to ask for forgiveness. and we talked about the things i've done that haunt me that i'll never forget that i hope and pray the others involved have forgotten - those things that make my stomach hurt just thinking about them.
and then she asked about the horrible tragedy our community is experiencing - but she saw my eyes well up and she stopped her questions. and then she told me something that made her upset - about a person who didnt care enough to say hello to her son - giddi. nice people shouldnt have to deal with that. then she told me something really neat:

there's a word in Tehillim that is only written once - the word is matmonim מטמונים - if you break up the word you get: מ"ט-מונים-counting 49 -0bvoiously referring to counting the omer. she told me that many people include this in written correspondence during the sefirah e.g. today would be: י"ט במטמונים. so what's so k0ol about that? in Hebrew מטמונים means hidden treasures- so sefirah is our time to unearth those hidden treasures - work out and bring each level of each of our middos to the surface - how apropos! yes she most definately is a hidden treasure.

never say never cuz never's....well bound to happen

i always said never - cause there wasnt a chance - no way i was ever - so i said never

wats wrong with never - when you know and your certain - wats wrong with never - so wat its forever

if they inquired- i laughed - when they asked- i said no - when they begged i said never

and now its become my endeavor!

Don't forget us back at home

there's no way you were taken
there's no sense to make of it
you were doing all you were supposed to
you were doing holy work
you moved far from family
from friends and kosher food
you moved to teach and share
and feed our young chassidim
to nourish body with soul
so how can this world continue
when there is a hole gaping black
who will do you work
who will hold your babies tight
you would have been our perfect teacher
i told them just last night
of your love and experience
of how lucky we would be
but by then you had just left us
and our chance had dissapeared
we wanted you to teach the cheder
not start it in your name
well we will start it
there's no question now
and we will make you proud
please dont forget us
please help us and guide us
so we can do it right - like you

did we really need another reason & Hashem do you ever cry?!?!?

its up to us to do our part
the Rebbe's work is done
but here we strain 16 years later
losing - one by one

you take the men who care the most
the ones who did things right
you take young mothers pure as gold
you steal them in the night

and no matter what they did
and no matter what we do
the most precious, kindest souls
are taken back to you

our army shrinks
the enemy grows
the fight stands unresolved
but our wounds are raw
our guidance dim
and morale seems to dissolve

so if we've screamed
and they've cried too
dont you think the time is yours?
Hashem we say, we've done all we can
NOW ITS UP TO YOU!

wasted moments reaccounted for

last time i wrote i was having post-pesach-stress-syndrome - and if you think there's no such thing well i'll tell you first hand that there sure is. well B"H life got busy and i guess i pushed the feelings aside but i was still quite unsure of where things were going and where they should be going and i still was sure that there had been more to accomplish on Pesach but that i'd lost the chance.
then last night happened - and B"H that it did - well for a number of reasons a. that its much better than the alternative but b. because things started to work out - options opened up, planning happened - i finally felt like things were moving and i, with them. and then as the cherry on top - a wonderful peak to an upward shift, i received the following letter:

"Hey Chanie,
I really meant to call you and Rochel right after I got back to NYC, but then time just flew. I did get your number from Frumah but I totally forgot to call and then I just saw that you all are friends on Facebook. No pressure to friend me or anything (!!) but I actually wanted to know if you would be interested in having a chavrusa. Now I know you are plenty busy with doing a million and five things and I also find myself busy a lot but I really learnt sooooo much from you and Rochel at the Moshiach Seder. it really was the highlight of my pesach and that I what I have been telling everyone. My dvar torah at the shabbos dinner I had in my apartment this past shabbos was from the seudah! Anyway let me know but either way I do want to thank you and Rochel so much for hosting a wonderful event.
Take care and shavuah tov!

so maybe, just maybe those precious moments werent wasted afterall.

Noch a Pesach Tzugekumen

its 2:52 am motzei Pesach- post kitchen change over and pizza. i sit here struggling with a strong sense of ambivalence. as if Pesach left without saying goodbye. as if no matter how hard i tried to hold on - it slipped away. i feel this way every year but each time it hits me hard. we sit around the table, learning, singing, connecting to each other - really farbrenging. the atmosphere is beyond this world - i can really believe that it is Moshiach's Seuda. each time as the table gets quiet or the conversation starts to turn - a thought comes to me, a piece of chassidus, something to share. and i'm giving the strength and all the right words to speak it. we sing and there is something special there - everyone can feel it. we remind each other of the tremendous power these last moments of Pesach hold and how they give us the strength to leave our maytzarim and experience cherus. we speak of hiskashrus, of hachlatas, of gilui moshiach. we start seder niggunim - sharing a vort, a story, something about each Rebbe. we reach the Frierdiker Rebbe - America is Nit Andersht - we sing the Benoni niggun. geula is palpable. we're almost there. just one more push, one song, one word. and then a car honks. once, twice, there is a knock at the door. i want to say go away - we're not finished - this is so special, don't ruin it! i want to lock the door and keep everyone inside. i want us to stay on this level, in this moment - forever. we dont even have time to tell a story of the Rebbe. we sing Tzama Lecha Nafshi - and amazingly - we really sing it. despite the cars and families waiting, the dishes calling, the details pulling at us - we live out the moment. and then its silent. there are just three of us left - staring at a table full of dishes, half eaten matza, empty cups of wine. i wont bentch - i wont end it. this is my island in time - the culmination of weeks of work - inside and out. these are the priceless experiences of our personal exodus. one last guest must be taken home. with a forced smile i assure her it is no problem and rummage for my keys. but i dont want to get in the car - to leave my Pesach table. when i get back its time to clean, to put things back to how they were. but it feels fake and so unholy. the packed dishes weigh heavy on my heart. i am not ready for the to-do list, the programs, the work - but their time has come. so i reach deep inside - past ambivalence and sadness, past inspiration and warmth. until i reach mobility - the drive that will propel me forward. the boost that encourages me - you've accomplished another Pesach- it will always be yours.
now what will you do with it?

if you fall i'll catch you

my friend,

i saw you through your open window. you left it open just a crack, enough to see you hurting, not enough to hold you tight. i watched you from a distance - one that i had created but one i couldnt take away. but i stood there watching, taking it all in. i picked up on every comment, each waver, every vacillation, each change. you said things didnt matter but in your heart you know they did. i watched you accept so readily and now give up even faster. i saw you leave so much behind - reaching for something more comfortable, more familiar. but that which you have left behind is what is most familiar to you. there are so many things i wish to tell you, to explain, to go back and change. its too late now- this i know. but i must share with you somethings you dont. know that every time i think of you i'm overcome with sweet, sweet memories. know that when i hear your name i smile. know that i am so proud of you for all the smart things you say, the good grades you get, the arguments you start. know that i remember all those words you spoke in the wee hours of the morning. know that every time i run i think of how you're faster. know that i pray for you - hoping, begging that you find yourself and happiness. but most of all know how much it hurts me to see you hurting, how much i feel at fault, how much i'd give to change things. know that next time you fall, i hope i'm there to catch you.

love always,
your friend

for your eyes only

i found something i shouldnt have.
it wasnt on purpose - it just sort of happened.
and really i had every right to - it was fully public
but i knew that i shouldnt have - it was so very private
i felt almost naughty stealing glances at the lines
but i couldnt help myself.
i read it and reread it.
i doubled back to see what had come before it
and checked to see what followed
i was riveted
so much so i left my ironing
it was the smell of burning silk that tore me away
but the echo of scorching words brought me back
and i was softened by their warmth
and saddened by their message

for the time being i'm not sure what to do with all this
i shall probably go back and read it once more
and yet again i shall feel touched and confused and sad and sorry
yes most of all i am so very sorry.

.com

today was super and lovely and splendid! as the birds chirped and the wind blew a warm spring breeze - we found hosting! we exist, we exist - tell the world! after tailing behind competitors and watching our grand ideas be developed by others - we're ready to show the world our beautiful posh faces! ooo ooo i can't wait to wake up in the morning and type in those wonderful words www.com! and there we shall be! really a business venture should be frightening or at the very least unnerving but we are way too far in for that - if we stop and think about it - we'll fall apart - now its move forward or die .... i think this was one giant leap forward - heck if i were armstrong i'd say something like, "one small step for posh - one giant step for womankind" but i'm not - so i wont. it sounds cheesy anyway.

well this feeling is bound to pass and i'll go back to having conversations with rochel like:

but while the moment lasts - i shall revel in it.

...another posh beginning...

gold digger

there's an unwritten rule to digging for treasure - if you're looking for treasure, you'll never find it but when you least expect it you'll strike gold.

many days I searched for gold. I found dirt. days I ached only to be soil faced but empty handed.

today I searched for dirt. I found gold. buried deep - but glistening bright. a precious piece of gold and ruby and diamond - a relic of the past. a treasure found.

Tohu II

on that Tohu thought, I wonder - is the story of the creation not just Pesach Cleaning big scale?
Step 1: Oros of Tohu were too much for this world and there is sheviras hakelim
Step 2: Oros of Tohu scattered and hidden and Oros of Tikkun invested into the world so that it could last and function
Step 3: Our job - to rectify the world by placing the Oros of Tohu in the kelim of Tikkun.

Or in other words:
Step 1: There is way too much stuff for one person/home to handle in fact there's so much it doesnt even fit into the storage containers we have but its far too precious to get rid of
Step 2: Down to the basement it goes ...hidden & scattered...and meanwhile we live our lives with fewer precious resources in a more functional manner
Step 3: Our (Pesach) job - go out to the container store and purchase those kelim in order to elevate our homes by unearthing all that wonderful, exciting stuff and organizing it in an orderly fashion.

G-d we're so on the same page!

Reclaiming my life from the forces of Tohu

ahhh .. its that time of year when the comforting smell of 409 wafts through the air and my sleeves are permanently pushed up to my elbows, leaving my arms poised and ready to scour anything that doesnt move away fast enough - the time when my all too short bouts of sleep are filled with dreaming of a little island that's already clean for Pesach where I can live out my days in peace.

It is in this tumultous time that we are given the gift of our freedom. Freedom not only from actual slavery in Egypt both internal and external, but freedom from those piles of papers we will take care of one day, freedom from hoarding anything that might possibly be sentimental and freedom from unmatched socks waiting in piles to be paired - what a gift- to reclaim your life, reorganize, and make that yearly hachlata to be better, neater and more organized this year.

It's a chance to refocus on the world's general purpose, in my own life- to take the forces and energy- that boundless mass of strength, ideas and enthusiam - of Tohu and channel them into an order of Tikkun, practically fit them into life. Slowly, box by box, room by room, and day by day - I am reclaiming by life and rejoicing in a fresh start...

mirrors of copper

I went to see one of my favorite people today. It had been a while since we had spent time together. She hasnt been well and is exhausted easily. But today I went to spend the morning with her. When I got to the house I peeked into her room. She was busy with something. I heard her ask for her purse and I watched. She took out a lipstick, then blush. She propped her mirror up on her knees just so and carefully applied her makeup - slowly, shakily. Then she reached for a comb and styled her hair. Then she was finished - I walked in.

As we spoke I couldnt help but notice her bedside table. There was a glass of water, some pills, tissues, and her mirror. And I recognized her mirror.

It was a mirror of copper. And one day it will form the copper laver of our Holy Temple.

talking to no one

if a tree falls in a forest and no one hears - does it make a sound?


if you talk and no one listens - did you say anything?

The Tefillin Knot

We ask G-d to know Him & He turns His back
And there in lies everything:

two leather straps
intertwined, one another
each represent a ray
revelation in its essence
chessed & gevurah
right & left
and when tied
part is revealed,
part concealed
but together
-a perfect unity

Fasting for Esther

Zeidy: This one's for you.

Man doesnt choose when their time is up - if they did - we'd never die. Instead they are taken suddenly with little chance to protest. But if you were to choose the day out of all the days of the year - Zeidy I think you chose yours.
I remember it was Adar - the month of joy. We came to New York to see you - they didnt let me in because I was too small but everyone said it was better that way. They all forced smiles and said you'd be fine - but I knew better. I heard them say that your lungs were failing that instead of air they filled with water- so I thought, " just dont drink water." But your not drinking water made your kidneys stop working - so I thought, "just drink orange juice." Rochel sat in the waiting room with me - we felt so old, so mature - why couldnt we come see you - I imagined I'd make you laugh, or smile or just hold your hand. But the nurses said no. It was hard to sit there being sad - there were other kids around and they were all talking and playing - I knew I shouldnt be playing so I just watched. When we left I said goodbye. I don't know if you heard me through the elevator doors and down the hall.

We drove back home and some days passed - you waited. We thought about you all the time and davened and hoped - and you waited.
And then your day came - it was Taanis Esther. I know you didnt want us to be sad so you picked a day that had its own somberness. You picked a day that is followed by joy. Well it was a different Purim that year - it was bitter cold - I know you wanted it that way so that your levaya would be quick. Some people tried to make jokes - to cheer us up - their jokes were hollow - even I didnt laugh. Afterwards we went back to the house - the one that was full of memories and stories and you. We heard the megillah and had a seuda - but it was different and strange - were we supposed to be happy? You wanted us to be.

Each year Taanis Esther is different for our family. Its not just a fast. Its a day full of memories and heartache - I know you dont like that part.

Well this year is different - it's special. This year on your yartzeit we dont fast. This year is Shabbos and so we celebrate. I think this year is your year.

reunited

gasp - pennie is together, sitting side by side at the computer - ok it helps that peshie's computer is broken and she had to use chanie as her local internet cafe - p.s. that's a whole world that screams Israel that this country is missing...carrying on though - it's official....

pennie has decided on their purim costume! so of course we considered the couples bit - but seeing as we wont be together the whole purim - it'll be only half the fun so instead we decided to work the play on words theme
soooo... drumroll please....

Peshie is being "G-d's Gift to Man"

Chanie is "Expressing Herself in Words"

cmon let your imaginations run wild - see if you can figure out what that's gunna look like
and stay tuned for pictures!

Have a wonderful, joyful, shotful or full shot PURIM!

love,
Pennie

brain dump

first off, dearest commenter - I am Chanie and I do all the posting - peshie ...well we wont talk about it ....

anyway - so its been a while and high time to brain dump onto this computer screen so here goes ....

there's a world out there that seeks to change
deep down it hurts -its surface strange
and yet we amble unaware
we act what comes - and it despairs
and then sometimes it dawns on us
we stop & think -perhaps discuss
how we could share a bit of light
yet thoughts move on - prevails the night
so drop the details - find the goal
hold tight to the guiding scroll
feel it , breath it, make it life
lest evil seep in - a sickness rife
our time is short and chances go
but action roots and deep it grow
what seems too late will get but later
dont be fooled by inner faitour
act now - revolutionize
bring redemption- eternalize

The Manicure

This is hillarious - you've gotta check it out!
A trip to the nail salon

An Ode to Tech Support

So while a part of me would love to add to the previous post and continue on the road of reminiscence alas it is time to move on. Next on the agenda : Tech Support a.k.a Hello from India! I doubt there is more than a handful of us left in the states who haven't made it to Pakistan and back all in one phone call - its those times when something isn't working right - like after you've dropped your cell phone in the toilet or when you've tried to fix your computer by taking it apart and cant figure out how to put it back together and you finally muster up enough time...and yes it will probably take hours... to call the 800 number on the box and ask for ....sigh...tech support.
ring..ring...ring...recording...press 1....press 2...press 457...and finally you hear it, softly at first but then there it is, that human voice, in that slightly nasal, "clean- up in aisle 7" kind of voice that offers you their undivided attention and help at 2 am in the morning. It is then that you proceed to explain your problem that you will likely still have after the 2 hours when you hang up the phone ...but in the meantime if you are feeling upset, aggravated and most definitely frustrated, please, please don't take it out on tech support - look how hard he is working!


Seem strange that he got the job when oh so many Americans need jobs? He is completely qualified, in fact it was after a serious interview process that Mujibar was selected...it went something like this:

H.R: Mujibar before you can get this job working as an American with an American phone number you must pass one final test.

Mujibar: I am ready.

H.R.: Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green.

Mujibar: Mister manager, I am ready to pass the test.

H.R.: Go ahead.

Mujibar: The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, thanks for calling Tech Support!

Peace Out!

There's a Special Place in My Heart....

For many people High School is an awkward stage. It's that time that you are trying so hard to seem like you arent trying, when you are too self concious to admit you know you are a dork...and then there are those specifics that relate to the high school you went to. Some people pride themselves on ties or pleated skirts they had to wear, some people swear by their sports teams ...and some of us...it was all about the hills...ups and downs, when you were on everyone's good side and when you were mudd, a blur of papers and cramming for tests, rita's and phone calls. Its that time when you can't make it through class cuz you've got the best story to share or that some little code word (salt? pepper?) seems about as life and death important as it gets. Oh and of course there are those special places you like to go to in your free time - the shopping, with the transportation crises and the parks - it is in those short 4 years that every thing in the real world seems to be suspended in time and all that happens is the world to you - and it's just completely unimaginable that there is life or happiness after high school - and what do you mean some things wont matter any more.

And why, you ask, have I gone back in time to those special years?
....well let's just blame it on Calvin:

Photo Contest

So we've decided that its time we add some more pics to the blog - kind of liven things up. So we've started a photo contest .. whoever blogs the k0olest photos wins....ummm...ya they just win....

So drop us a comment and let us know if you have any k0ol photos you want blogged..

meanwhile here's a start...


Just to explain a bit - these are photos that a guy I know took- he's a makeup artist/photographer - he did all the painting and photography ...he's crazy talented so I thought I'd share...enjoy!

Yud Shevat Message

So on a religious note for moment: The Rebbe encouraged, in honor of Yud Shevat that everyone who could should share the idea that the Frierdiker Rebbe was completely dedicated to reaching out to all Yidden and also to explain the idea of Chitas which the Frierdiker Rebbe instituted. The Rebbe also said that this could be done from Yud Shevat up until the next Shabbos so as it is Thursday night I thought I better get it in before it is too late: For those who dont know or those who do, Chitas is the daily study program that consists of the portion of Chumash from that weeks parsha connected to the day of the week, the portion of Tehillim for the day of the month and the portion of Tanya connected to the day of the year. So for those who havent had a chance yet today - knock yourselves out - go learn Chitas! Oh and if you are a facebooker - join the Chitas group ...its tagline: If you waste as much time on facebook as I do you have no excuse not to do Chitas. Have a Great Shabbos!

college

hey everyone!! by everyone i mean myself and chanie ofcourse b/c who else checks this blog,and if ur checkin it then leave a message!! well thanks to G-d's kindness i be gettin myself a reaaaaaaaaal good edgimikation at BCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCC, i think i put one too many c's either way, i'm officially the only white girl in some of my classes. one teacher was going around saying how e/o is from all over and then he turns to me and says "so where r u from" i gave him one of my what the *&% are you talken about looks and then said "baltimore" e/o burst out lauphin,so i guess it was ok. and then in another class they were talken abt being a member of the NAACP and i said "ya my membership is in the works" and again e/o lauphed, and then one girl said that at Towson (anothe college) they were the KKK hoods. Now its a crime for wearing a white hoodie too! (the Towson hoodie is white). the one thing i'm learnin in college is this is very important now say it with me GET -get YOUR-your DEGREE-degree AND-and GET-get OUT-out! b/c most of the stuff u'll learn in college u wont' need :) and that is my lesson for life for all you Little People out there, no that was not a joke about chanies height;) (u know i luv u girl)

FaceBook

So Pennie has officially converted!

So for all those facebookers out there ...and all those not yet facebookers ... check out Pennie on Facebook:Click Here!

parsha thought

On a Lighter Note...

Light

There was thick darkness over the entire land of Egypt for three days. [One Egyptian] did not see his brother, and no one rose from his place for three days, but for all the children of Israel there was light in their dwellings -- Exodus 10:22-23.

As opposed to the other nine plagues which afflicted the Egyptians in a very physical way, each causing catastrophic personal and/or property damage, the Plague of Darkness didn't cause any tangible harm.

The absence of light denies people the ability to see their surroundings, making it very difficult to discern objects or people in their vicinity. While humans are endowed with another four senses, each providing the ability to become somewhat familiar with one's surroundings, none are as critical as sight. Lack of sight is such a major impediment that our sages tell us that to a certain degree a blind person is considered to be lifeless.

The world contains so many items which are designed to improve our lives. Without light, however, the most helpful of implements is reduced to a mere obstacle in one's path. A chair, a table, or a mountain of gold for that matter will trip up the person who walks in darkness.

The Plague of Darkness which struck the Egyptians was a physical reflection of the Egyptians' spiritual state. On a spiritual level, light is provided by Torah and mitzvot -- "A mitzvah is a candle and Torah is light" (Proverbs 6:23). With the benefit of the illumination provided by Torah and its commandments, an entire new world comes to light.

Suddenly, those things which one considered to be obstacles are revealed for what they really are -- creations of G-d's intended to assist in one's spiritual journey.

Furthermore, light motivates to action, as opposed to darkness which breeds depression and lethargy. The "bright" environment created by light also allows people to rise above their self-centered tendencies and truly empathize with others.

The darkness which pervaded the Egyptian society didn't allow them to "rise from their place," they were mired in their own selfish desires and pursuits and couldn't envision a higher goal. And worse yet, they "could not see their brother," their selfishness precluded them from sharing in the joy of a friend or commiserating with them when in distress.

It is in our hands to brighten our lives, a step which in short order leads to personal redemption.

women Rock!

This post is for all my lil bros! they are quite the ladies men, they love women
they think everyone should own one.
they know everything about them like why womens feet are smaller then men?
so they can stand closer to the oven.
their very up to date on current events as well; did you hear about the women who was in a car accident?
she was totally at fault,what was she doing out of the kitchen!
with them around a women would never have to worry about what to do if her watch breaks
b/c she'll always have the kitchen clock.
and they know just what to say, for example what would you say to a women with two black eyes?
nothing, you told her twice
but seriously being a ladies man isn't all its cracked up to be, you gotta learn important things like, what a pashmina is, btw its not a rug, and that coffee is not only a drink but a color!
they're really team players, they really know how to take one for the team, but honestly man; how many teams are you on????

oh and just for the record they live by spell check - and chanie!!!! and for the last time.... THAT CAR IS REAL!!!

haha

So for you who was so unamused ...

p.s. for the record pesh not every post has to get your crackin up but anywhoo...

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush.

The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.

President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:

Dear God,

Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those crooks deducted $95.00.

Ketchin Up...

Woah its been a while... here's the quick run down in pennie drop life:

So pennie is finally back together with pesh home again and my hotty is breakin in his first tooth and etty is getting married ...its all party here woo-hoo and for those of you who dont know b-more ...it's always a party ...right doesnt it go baltimore the city that parties? or reeeds or something...

now that we've been through the basic update ...on to the interesting stuff..

So did you hear what happened to President Bush after tonight's state of the union? Well apparently it involved a couple fists and some flying teeth...check this out. Good thing there's enough of our tax money going around to afford him some good dentures...



and look he's still smiling...you got to wonder what he's on...


And on another random note...did you hear about the new Ukrainian SUV? ..wow those two words in the same sentence...strange.... Talk about a sweet ride.

The very first Ukrainian SUV ...wow those two words in the same sentence...strange....was designed and assembled by the engineers of Kremenchug Autotransport Enterprise....doesnt that ring a bell...c'mon all your lubavitchers out there Kremenchug...we know Kremenchug!!! And look after all those nitzutzos we elevated there look at the result... The VEPR is a civilian vehicle but nonetheless the outside of the car is armoured. The car is 5 meters long and 2 meters tall. VEPR’s mass is over 3 tons. The starting price of a VEPR is $70,000.”

Check it out....

talk about American SUPER POWER...compare and contrast our SUVs...

well that's all for tonight...good night ....