Fasting for Esther

Zeidy: This one's for you.

Man doesnt choose when their time is up - if they did - we'd never die. Instead they are taken suddenly with little chance to protest. But if you were to choose the day out of all the days of the year - Zeidy I think you chose yours.
I remember it was Adar - the month of joy. We came to New York to see you - they didnt let me in because I was too small but everyone said it was better that way. They all forced smiles and said you'd be fine - but I knew better. I heard them say that your lungs were failing that instead of air they filled with water- so I thought, " just dont drink water." But your not drinking water made your kidneys stop working - so I thought, "just drink orange juice." Rochel sat in the waiting room with me - we felt so old, so mature - why couldnt we come see you - I imagined I'd make you laugh, or smile or just hold your hand. But the nurses said no. It was hard to sit there being sad - there were other kids around and they were all talking and playing - I knew I shouldnt be playing so I just watched. When we left I said goodbye. I don't know if you heard me through the elevator doors and down the hall.

We drove back home and some days passed - you waited. We thought about you all the time and davened and hoped - and you waited.
And then your day came - it was Taanis Esther. I know you didnt want us to be sad so you picked a day that had its own somberness. You picked a day that is followed by joy. Well it was a different Purim that year - it was bitter cold - I know you wanted it that way so that your levaya would be quick. Some people tried to make jokes - to cheer us up - their jokes were hollow - even I didnt laugh. Afterwards we went back to the house - the one that was full of memories and stories and you. We heard the megillah and had a seuda - but it was different and strange - were we supposed to be happy? You wanted us to be.

Each year Taanis Esther is different for our family. Its not just a fast. Its a day full of memories and heartache - I know you dont like that part.

Well this year is different - it's special. This year on your yartzeit we dont fast. This year is Shabbos and so we celebrate. I think this year is your year.