are we losing our sense of Rebbe?

The Frierdiker Rebbe bemoaned the fall of Czarist Russia, telling us that we had lost our concept of a king thereby losing our chance to truly experience the moshal that so perfectly describes our relationship to The King and our place in Avodas Hashem. Those who experienced life under the Czar may have held onto the concept but surely it faded with time. Those who never knew the Czar were further removed and surely they sooner filled the void of this loss. It amazes me that such a horrible man - a goy through and through could have affected our avoda so strongly. L'havdil elef alfei havdalos - the Rebbe, perhaps in a different manner, guided our avoda. But as time passes, can we lose our sense of Rebbe? Its a thought that has plagued me off and on for a while. When I write a p"n I feel as if I'm cheating - that I get away with just washing my hands and throwing in some extra Chassidus. Even going to the Ohel - I'm always underprepared and definately underwhelmed. Ok there were times that a 7 hour bus ride filled with learning and Rabbi Deren's giving over the Hishtatchus maamer put me in the right mindset - but more often its - well we're going to NY anyway or its been a while, better check in. It's not that I dont know that going to the Rebbe is so important - I think its because I know that I feel like there's perhaps a lack of sensitivity or at the very least of understanding.

Anyway there's a reason I've brought it up now. Tonight as I sat Indian style on the floor, talking away on the phone, my mother walked into the room and said, "At 10pm the Stropkover is coming to the house so make sure you arent wearing that." Of course she was referring to my denim skirt. For a moment I entertained the thought of going and changing into Shabbos clothes but I was in the middle of Jnet learning and I figured I'd change later - or at least not go down stairs. I made a passing comment to my chavrusa to which she replied, "A REBBE IS COMING TO YOUR HOUSE?!" Why I didnt take that as a wake up call I dont know, why I didnt say you know, I really need to prepare myself can I call you back in a few moments - who knows. But I continued sitting there, same position with a sefer open on my lap. And we continued learning. 45 minutes later I hung up the phone and took a 10 minute break before my 2nd chavrusa - we were really scheduled for Monday but since there had been a schedule conflict on her part we had rescheduled for tonight. So I took my break and went down to visit my sister who was dutifully cleaning the basement. Why didnt I run downstairs and tell her, quick we have 15 minutes, lets clean up - truthfully, it slipped my mind. So we talked a bit and then back upstairs I went to call my 10pm learning partner. She was in the middle of something and said she'd call me back - it was only then that it occurred to me to mention something to my sister - so back down I went only to tell her not to come upstairs in her jean skirt - then it finally hit me - HELLO WHO CARES ABOUT SKIRTS - THIS HOUSE IS A WRECK AND WE HAVE A REBBE COMING?! I ran back to the basement door and screamed down for my sister to join me - in a whirlwind we stuffed dishes in the dishwasher and pulled off the vinyl tablecloth - we were in the midst of our cleaning when there was a knock at the door - at first we ignored it - I know, how do you leave a Rebbe standing on your doorstep but we still had to finish cleaning - so waited for the 2nd knock - then it dawned on us - we were both still in our denim skirts - neither one of us could open the door! We scrambled to and fro and then dashed upstairs, screaming for my mother - she jumped up and came running, just as my sister looked out the window and said, "oh its only Ta." So back down we went to try and finish what we had started when 5 seconds later the doorbell rang - this time there was no stalling - we both ran out of sight just as my father opened the door for the Heilige Stropkover Rebbe.

As I sat upstairs hearing my father speak to the Rebbe - huffing and puffing from the pre-meeting marathon, those thoughts about the Rebbe came back to me. How could I have been so thoughtless. How could I have no rushed into a mad cleaning mode, why hadnt I baked fresh cookies? It wasnt like this last time the Stropkover Rebbe came. Could it really be that we are gradually losing our sensitivity? Are we losing our concept of Rebbe? The thought frightens me and I dont really want to answer - but I can't get over this: I consider myself a chassidista but I wasnt prepared for the Rebbe to walk into my home. The house should have glowed for hours or at the very least for the hour and half that I was home. I should have washed my hands and learned something and watched in awe from the kitchen. How could I have let this opportunity pass, exiled upstairs because my skirt wasnt befitting a Rebbe (whether that means I shouldnt wear it at all - well we wont even go there).

Reb Zushe learned 7 things from a thief. I've learned at least 1 from this experience: that I've got a whole lot of working on myself to do - I'm not going to stand idly by as I lose a chance to experience hiskashrus -next time, I'm going to be ready!